It's Wayne in Cats and Dogs by Gerry McDonnell

I've never really saw the point in children. I can appreciate their usefulness when they're big enough to nip down to the off-license, but I'm not sure if that justifies the £10 a year it costs to clothe them.

My little Goliath has been playing up recently. The wife has the cheek to say he takes after his father, although that does boil down to guesswork on her part.

I've gone out of my way to try and bond with the lad in an attempt to curb his misbehaviour. I even tried to connect with my feminine side; but I had to call it a day when my phone bill went through the roof.

I guess the problem lies in the fact that we have very little in common. The only sport that interests the little man is wrestling; as the sight of a horizontal 20 stone freak reminds him of his mother.

I just wish we had a relationship where we could share more with each other; like the Allardyces.

Big Sam must be regretting his claim that Rafa Benitez should be sacked as a result of poor Premiership form. You don't have be a whiny Canadian dwarf to appreciate the irony. The 11/10 for a Liverpool win over Newcastle is positively gargantuan.

Wayne Rooney is studying English literature in a noble attempt to further his education. I'd love to hear his thoughts on 'Where's Spot' and 'The Cat in the Hat'. Rooney's home-study may well lead to a GCSE: 'grandmothers can sleep easily'. I'm getting up early to take 1/2 for a Manchester United win over Bolton.

I was looking forward to previewing the West Ham v Tottenham match, as Lennon and McCartney may share the same stage. Unfortunately, I've received a legal document informing me that I must address them as McCartney and Lennon. The 13/8 for a Tottenham win over West Ham is out of order.

Call me a lunatic conspiracy theorist; but is it a coincidence that a week after Frank Lampard admitted to being a Tory, he helped lead England out of Europe. I don't need a referendum to accept 2/7 for a Chelsea win over Derby.

Blackburn are still embarrassed about David Bentley's name being spelt incorrectly on the back of his shirt. The kit-man must regret asking for help from Robbie Savage. 11/5 for a Fulham win over Blackburn will spell a tidy profit.

Roy Keane is a promising young manager; he's promising to knock out a number of his players if they don't show a dramatic improvement. I'm piling into the 11/4 for a Sunderland draw at Everton.

I'm a sucker for a worthy cause, so I'm determined to raise £10,000 to aid research into the negative impact of reality TV on minor celebrities. I intend to take a hands-on role in the campaign; I hope to probe Sophie Anderton. Backing Manchester City at 8/13 against Reading will undoubtedly add to the kitty.

'Mad Dave' Whelan may have made a mistake in hiring the aesthetically challenged Steve Bruce. If their style of football proves as pleasing to the eye as the new manager; the supporters are going to see more long balls than Abigail Clancy. I'm looking up to the 1/6 for an Arsenal win over Wigan.

When Birmingham first poached Steve Bruce, they agreed to a clause allowing his former employers 15% of any future sell-on fee. A windfall of £450,000 will prove invaluable to the struggling Safari Park. Portsmouth will run wild against Birmingham at 7/5.

I'm quietly confident that Aston Villa will leave Middlesbrough with their customary three points. There is a question-mark over who will score the goals for the Villans, as Liam Ridgewell is unavailable. I'll take a calculated risk at 17/10.

I've offered to take little Goliath to a Premier League match if he improves his behaviour, but the little runt has asked to watch wrestling instead. In a compromise that suits both parties, I've promised him a trip to watch England play football at Wembley; so we can both watch a group of sportsmen who aren't really trying. Arsenal, Portsmouth, Manchester City and Fulham form an 11/1 accer that can lead to a down payment on the train fare.

It's Wayne in Cats and Dogs by Gerry McDonnell

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