This is the ode to Hel by Gerry McDonnell

I've never been particularly lucky in love. As a result of a severe lack of confidence, I can only approach women after a skinful of lager when the beer goggles are on. Even Kermit would have turned his nose up at some of the pigs I've tried my luck with.

I raised the bar marginally higher when I emailed Helen Chamberlain to ask for a date, but she just blew me off.

I did find fleeting love with a diminutive woman called Dot. But just like the unfortunate Martin Jol, I was dumped via a text message. I'm completely over her now though; I buried her under the patio. After extensive digging I've discovered 13/8 for a Tottenham win over Middlesbrough.

Rent-a-quote WAG Cheryl Cole claimed that her 'husband' didn't enjoy his final days at Arsenal as he believed that his foreign team-mates were all 'talking about him'. I find it amazing that a talented footballer with a loving wife could end up such a paranoid wreck; and Ashley Cole is definitely a talented footballer. The 4/9 for a Chelsea win over Wigan is convenient.

Steve Bruce is definitely feeling the pressure. The potato-headed manger couldn't bear to watch as Birmingham played Wigan last week; although this is not necessarily an uncommon phenomenon amongst the regulars of St Andrews. Everton can be backed at 8/11 against Birmingham; that's unusually exhilarating.

It's no coincidence that Arsenal are producing champagne football after dropping the bitter Lehmann. I believe the morale-boosting team huddle is a major factor in the Gunners' improved form, or it may just be an opportunity to talk about Ashley Cole. Everybody should be talking about the 6/4 for an Arsenal win over Manchester United.

Sam Allardyce will go head to head with Harry Redknapp at St James' Park, in a match that the gutter press are labelling 'Panorama II'. I've been investigating the history to this fixture and I've discovered that Pompey last won in Newcastle in 1949. The Toon can continue their practical ownership at 11/10.

A member of the Royal family has allegedly been caught up in a sex scandal. I just hope it's not Charlie, as I have absolutely no interest in hippophilia. One set of Royals who won't be going down is Reading; they'll leave Fulham with a point at 9/4.

Aston Villa appear to be certainties at 1/2 against a woeful Derby County. The Villa have looked fearsome on their own patch this season, while the Rams are conceding almost three goals a game on the road. The only money going on Derby will be Freddie Flintoff's.

Phil Gartside must have had a few jars when he appointed Gary Megson. I'm all for positive discrimination, but this move reeks of desperation. Luckily for Bolton, West Ham have been decimated by injuries. Bolton can sneak a fortuitous draw at 5/2.

Like most people who enjoy a swift couple of beers, I often struggle to undress when I'm the worse for wear. I've now patented a machine that takes your shirt off for you automatically; it's provisionally called 'The Carragher'. I'm all over the 11/5 for a Blackburn win over a depleted Liverpool.

Manchester City may have started the season impressively, but Sven was on the receiving end of a real spanking at Chelsea last week. To make matters even worse, his team then lost 6-0 at Stamford Bridge. I believe that result was merely a blip; City will explode into life on bonfire night against Sunderland at 8/13.

Being a persistent soul, I've decided to ask Helen Chamberlain to accompany me to a small fireworks display. I've already bought her a Catherine wheel and a rocket; I just want a banger now. Aston Villa, Everton, Tottenham, Chelsea and Manchester City form a 13/1 weekend accer that will more than cover the expense.

This is the ode to Hel by Gerry McDonnell

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