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Cole, Frank Incensed and Meh by Gerry McDonnell

I've never been a great fan of Steve McClaren, but it's wholly unfair to place the blame for the death of English football at the feet of one hapless individual. Personally, I hold Frank Lampard solely responsible.

The great and the good of the world of punditry, and David Platt, have all been quick to defend the tubby midfielder, claiming that criticism is unjustified.

These washed-up has-beens have obviously forgotten his poor recent performances, his demand for respect rather than throwing his hands up, Frank TV, protracted contract negotiations, the 9/11 bevvy-up, the 'these are my people' line, the undignified Hammer-bashing, the 'Super Goals' advert and the Jamie Redknapp connection.

The woeful national anthem is also a contributory factor to our demise. I don't really understand why we need to pay homage to Ashley Cole.

Looking forward, we should introduce a more upbeat tune that will help keep Frank Lampard's feet on the ground. 'Lip up Fatty' fits the bill perfectly. I can't keep quiet about the 11/4 for a draw between Middlesbrough and Chelsea.

After a dreadful start to the season with Bolton, little Sammy Lee is now searching for a new career. I suppose he could always become a jockey, like Ashley Cole. I'm not horsing around with the 2/9 for an Arsenal win over Bolton.

Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez are not a striking partnership, in more ways than one. Aston Villa are an absolute beast in front of their own supporters, they look overpriced at 4/1 to land the shock.

The Royals really enjoyed their trip to Blackburn last season; it was probably funded by the tax-payer. Rovers have definitely improved since then, while Reading have gone backwards like a drunken crab. I'll happily take 8/11 about a Blackburn side on the up.

Fulham are a lot like Princess Diana. They looked good for a while, but they've hit a wall. After six games without a win, a home match against Derby will reverse their fortunes at 3/4.

It's not been a good week for Ashley Cole. The controversial defender faces a prolonged spell out of the game, as his cushions no longer match his drapes. A defeat for Tottenham at Newcastle will spell curtains for Martin Jol; a hard earned point may be enough to prolong the agony at 23/10.

Steve Bruce has demanded face-to-face talks with Carson Yeung. The billionaire is no mug though; he's bringing a couple of paper bags with him. There's no disguising the fact that Manchester City are a lock at 3/5 at home to Birmingham.

Benjani has now added goals to his repertoire: it now consists of goals. The 8/5 for a Pompey win over Wigan is everything you ever wanted in a football bet, and a little bit more.

I'm not sure if I buy this new cuddly easy-going persona of Roy Keane. It wouldn't surprise me if the Sunderland manager was seen holding a hammer on the touchline, preferably Craig Bellamy. West Ham can send Keano closer to the edge at 10/11.

The Merseyside derby is probably the toughest nut to crack on the weekend coupon. I honestly don't know which set of supporters will be bragging at work on Monday morning; probably because the question is fundamentally flawed. I can't pick a hole in the 9/4 for a draw between Everton and Liverpool.

I only wish that footballers could follow the example of their rugby playing counterparts. Although in fairness, Ashley Cole is doing his bit. The English rugby team are shoo-ins at even money with a nine point start against South Africa in the World Cup final.

Lewis Hamilton has the world at his feet, unlike Frank Lampard, who has to rely on updates from helpful associates. The 2/5 for young Lewis clinching the drivers' championship is more than fair.

I think it's time for the Frank Lampard bashing to cease. Nobody likes to see a fat kid get continually bullied, unless it has comedy value. Arsenal, Blackburn, Fulham, Man City and West Ham form a 10/1 weekend accer whose worth is beyond question.


Previous Articles From Gerry McDonnell

» Weekend Tips / A Lazy 'Worst Of' Compilation
» Thai Hard: With a Vengeance
» I've just about had an oeuf
» There Ste Goes Again
» Red Bull - It Gives You Wins
» Lock Stock and Two Smoking Carols
» My Big Fat Weak Wedding
» A Mini Weapon of Mass Destruction
» There's life in the old dog...unfortunately
» Hairy Plotter and the Half-Blood Prince
» As One Door Shuts...A Nutter One Opens
» A Dodgy Ruby and a Stuffed Nan
» Strawberry Fields For Heather
» Wayne drops keep falling on my head
» The hurly bird catches the worm
» Driving Miss Dozy
» Rings that go bump in the night
» Rise of the foot long soldier
» Let's all do the Bart Man
» Obi 1 Hand Solo 0
» Charity, Empathy and Chas to Tea
» Bow Down To Happy Gilmore
» Third Ruck from the Son
» Short and fat, with a Terry on the top
» It's Wayne in Cats and Dogs
» On the third day... Heroes again
» The Wright to remain silent
» This is the ode to Hel
» Lies, Damn Lies and Jamie Redknapp
» Cole, Frank Incensed and Meh
» One flu over...the cuckoo's next
» A Naan and a Leg
» The Chicken or the Meg
» Sven, I'm 6 to 4
» Two Wongs Don't Make Awight
» The Catcher in the Guy
» Girls Allowed? It's Encouraged
» Ding Dong, Merry Lee on High
» Why fight the hand that kneads you?
» Live Free or Pie Hard
» It's not if, it's Sven
» A Ruck and a Charred Plaice
» Hate Days are Weak
» A Small Murphy's...Maybe
» A Chick with a Pick
» We have to stop the Blubber Ring
» I've got my Bouncer down to a Tea
» Should Have Gone To Becks, Save Us
» You Do Thumb Thing To Me
» My French is just Shocking
» 64 Seconds in Paris
» McCaffrey's Gone Flat
» A Little Wayne Never Hurt Anyone
» The Heir on the Dog
» An Expired Pizza to Enter Jordan
» Beer Today Scone Tomorrow
» FA tell McClaren to FO
» That Lam Chop was Delightful
» He's in the Nic
» Lettuce get it on
» The bra has been raised
» The fruit is on the other foot
» Swing When You're Tinning
» A Primate of Fear
» In Thickness and in Elf
» I saw her limping there
» Pie Will Survive
» A Pizza The American Dream
» Playing with one's health
» Heifery Thing Must Go
» A Spanish Beer Mug
» All I want for Christmas is Ewe
» Ex-Panda Bull
» Gone in 64 seconds
» Back to the Fuhrer
» I'm a celebrity, get me oat
» I pity the Newell
» Arsene! Coffee!
» Razor Nigh Brow
» Flappy Girth Day To Roo
» Balloon out of all proportion
» The 'No Bell' Peace Prize
» Where are you now... when I kneed you
» The Bedding Zinger
» A Bung, Bung, Bungalow in Baghdad
» It ain't over 'til the fat laddie swings
» Sore Berries and Cream
» The bitterest pillow
» A Ferd in the hand is worth two on the box
» A Drog with two ricks
» A tie, with a Lam starter
» The Thin Blue Swine, an antepost special
» There's a bad moo on the rise
» Pie, have you forsaken me?
» A rest Wayne in order
» An Aggravated Ribery
» Bat's the way I like it, Aha Aha
» Don't fry for me, Argentina
» Don't you, forget about Lee
» Amir formality for the King
» Marlon, Hammer Reds and Pool Wails
» A nappy ending
» Only tools and horses
» She's got one hand in my pocket
» The pair of the Drog
» Cesc, Drogs and Rock and Roll
» Dairy goes again
» Cruising for a Bruce-ing
» It's a war for four, send in the Gunners
» Jose, can you see? (The star-mangled spanner)
» Smudge not, lest ye be Smudged
» The Jewell of Denial
» Give the Neville his due
» Rob 'n Peter to slay Paul
» The Gram of God
» Whale Meat Again?
» Up a creek, without a Kanu


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