The Chicken or the Meg by Gerry McDonnell

Life is full of little contradictions. When a professional gambler shops around for value, he's lauded for his shrewdness. Yet when I apply a similar level of financial prudence outside of the betting arena, I'm considered meaner than a premenstrual Scot with a toothache.

I'm not ashamed to say that I use the same approach with my shopping budget as I do with my betting bank. Why should I pay 60p for 'brand name' biscuits when I can buy an almost identical packet for 15p? Admittedly, the cheapskate biscuits crumble at the merest touch, but I can let this minor flaw pass, as it's mostly the kids who eat them.

The little ones are always on my back to improve my fitness levels. They're pretty heavy. My frugal nature led me to scoff at wasting £200 on a gym membership; after all, I've got a bike at home.

My economical acumen did lead to quite an embarrassing mix-up. I was feeling a little peckish after a long stint on the exercise bike, so I decided to snack on a few of the tightwad biscuits. This adequately explains how the wife found me breathing heavily while furiously stroking the crumbs off my lap.

Lawrie Sanchez has also been on the end of a comical misunderstanding. The Fulham manager loves to sign Irish players, so when he heard of the crisis engulfing Chelsea, he made a cheeky bid to sign O'Bramovich.

The Chelsea squad are on the verge of mutiny as a result of their hard-to-please owner. Fat Frank, the Drog, Malouda: they're all revolting.

Some of the players were in tears when Jose left, although Ashley Cole's emotional state may be a result of Liza Minnelli's tour drawing to a close. The 2/5 for a Chelsea win over Fulham has sent me toppling over the edge.

Michael Owen has once again been sidelined through injury. The King of the Castle has been ruled out with a double hernia: it started off as a single but he was feeling lucky. I'll have a little punt on the draw between Manchester City and Newcastle at 23/10.

Robbie Savage has often been compared to Roy Keane. Unfortunately, the term 'a poor man' normally plays a significant role. The 7/4 for a Sunderland win over Blackburn can help alleviate poverty amongst the betting classes.

Unless Fernando Torres shares the wife's rare medical condition where physical activity is only permitted once a week, he has to start against Wigan. I'll happily back Liverpool at 4/6 if Torres starts: if he's on the bench, I'll lay it like it was Meg White.

Reading left it late to land a touch against Wigan last week. With two minutes to go, I was sweating like Prince Charles on Father's Day. These Royals are pretty useful; they can leave Portsmouth with a point at 5/2.

They say that good things come in small packages, and that's an adage to which I am forced to subscribe. Cesc Fabregas may be diminutive in stature, but he's a true giant on the football pitch. Arsene has set the little man on fire, he'll inspire Arsenal to a victory over West Ham at 10/11.

While Cesc is banging the goals in for fun, Andy Johnson would struggle to score at a Ronaldo house-party. I'm loving the 5/2 for a draw between Everton and Middlesbrough.

Steve Bruce is genuinely looking forward to the visit of Manchester United. It's not a result of his Old Trafford ties, he just wants to stand next to Carlos Tevez and not be considered the ugly one. The 4/7 for a Manchester United win over the Blues is absolutely stunning.

I'm definitely worried about this bluetongue virus. Apparently, it's transmitted by midges, so I'm steering well clear of Sammy Lee. Bolton are worth a small bet at 7/4 against Derby.

Martin Jol appears to have lost the plot. I wouldn't treat a dog the way Jol has treated Jermain Defoe, especially as she failed to swallow my biscuit story. Aston Villa will leave the Lane with a point at 9/4.

I'm sure the wife has shared her outrageous theory on 'biscuitgate' with her mother. I've been a nervous wreck since the incident; I just haven't been feeling myself. Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester United and an Everton draw form a 14/1 weekend accer that will hopefully lift my flagging spirits.

The Chicken or the Meg by Gerry McDonnell

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