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Two Wongs Don't Make Awight by Gerry McDonnell
When it comes to relationships, there is one undeniable truth. It doesn't matter how attractive a girl may be, how delightful her personality or how sparkling her conversation; sooner or later, the bint's going to start to grate.
As a result, a decline in physical intimacy is a natural consequence. After making sweet music with the same partner for a number of months, it's perfectly natural to want to replace the duet with a solo.
The female can often sense the male losing interest, and will go to desperate lengths to reignite the spark. The wife asked if there was anything I'd like her to do differently in the bedroom; I probably shouldn't have responded with: "Tidy it."
After persuading me with a couple of left hooks to take the problem more seriously, I decided to 'man up' and face the consequences. I reluctantly agreed to give 'roleplaying' a whirl, but I was unhappy with her decision to play a tubby Scot.
The wife then suggested a' ménage à trois', but her only pals who aren't alcoholics are the Wong twins, and I can't stand the idea of two women complaining about me to their mother.
In the end, we settled on the outdoor frolic. It was just my luck to be nicked on our first attempt. The copper understandably arrested me for flouting public decency, and that was just for letting the wife out of the house.
The evil one has now added S&M to the horrifying mix. I'm now lumbered with the female equivalent of Fulham FC; she wants to be spanked away from home every other weekend. Wigan will continue this time-honoured tradition at 6/5.
Astonishingly, games involving Manchester United have produced the fewest number of goals in the Premiership this season. United's lack of firepower has led to Fergie swapping the wine for the whisky; he allegedly had a shot on the rocks on Monday. The 5/2 for a draw between Everton and Manchester United has taken my breath away.
The Arsenal players will be ready to celebrate after the club announced the greatest signing of the season; they've tied up Arsene Wenger to a long-term deal. If there's a better bet than Arsenal to leave White Hart Lane with three points at 13/8, it must be hiding with Bin Laden.
Portsmouth will soon be in the Michael Barrymore position, they're going to seriously regret hosting a Pool party. Liverpool haven't conceded a goal from open play this season, the 4/5 is bordering on a gift.
Steve Bruce may look like he should be sitting on a wall outside a mansion, but his strength of character is beyond dispute. I'm not sitting on the fence in the Birmingham v Bolton meet; I'm on the Blues at 7/5.
Robbie Savage believes a dumb blonde will fly Concorde to the moon before John Toshack takes Wales to a World Cup. I agree that Toshack faces an uphill task, but the odds have improved dramatically since he dumped the deadwood on his arrival. I'm whinging like a little girl about only receiving 2/5 for a Chelsea win over Blackburn.
Middlesbrough's recent record at Upton Park is shabbier than Britney Spears; they've been absolutely hammered on their last five visits. I'm happier than Frank Lampard at 'an all you can eat' buffet with the even money for another West Ham win.
Thaksin Shinawatra is like Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies, he's worried about an oriental fellow sneaking up on him and banging him up. The 9/4 for a draw between Manchester City and Aston Villa is beyond reproach.
You can't expect to stay in the Premiership if you're leaking goals, and Derby have the flimsiest defence since Kate McCann. Nobody is questioning the 10/11 for a Newcastle win at Pride Park.
With the exception of Craig Gordon, the Sunderland squad looks incredibly weak. It takes a skilled horticulturist to grow roses using manure, and I haven't seen Roy Keane with a wheelbarrow since he signed his last contract at Manchester United. Reading look a great shout at 9/4 to leave the Stadium of Light with a point.
The wife has bought an 'adult' DVD in another misguided attempt to rejuvenate my flagging libido. I'm praying that the weekend accer of Arsenal, West Ham, Chelsea and Newcastle obliges at 12/1, as I need a good excuse to avoid an hour and a half of unviewable filth. There's a real chance it might be 'The Best of Jim Davidson'.
As a result, a decline in physical intimacy is a natural consequence. After making sweet music with the same partner for a number of months, it's perfectly natural to want to replace the duet with a solo.
The female can often sense the male losing interest, and will go to desperate lengths to reignite the spark. The wife asked if there was anything I'd like her to do differently in the bedroom; I probably shouldn't have responded with: "Tidy it."
After persuading me with a couple of left hooks to take the problem more seriously, I decided to 'man up' and face the consequences. I reluctantly agreed to give 'roleplaying' a whirl, but I was unhappy with her decision to play a tubby Scot.
The wife then suggested a' ménage à trois', but her only pals who aren't alcoholics are the Wong twins, and I can't stand the idea of two women complaining about me to their mother.
In the end, we settled on the outdoor frolic. It was just my luck to be nicked on our first attempt. The copper understandably arrested me for flouting public decency, and that was just for letting the wife out of the house.
The evil one has now added S&M to the horrifying mix. I'm now lumbered with the female equivalent of Fulham FC; she wants to be spanked away from home every other weekend. Wigan will continue this time-honoured tradition at 6/5.
Astonishingly, games involving Manchester United have produced the fewest number of goals in the Premiership this season. United's lack of firepower has led to Fergie swapping the wine for the whisky; he allegedly had a shot on the rocks on Monday. The 5/2 for a draw between Everton and Manchester United has taken my breath away.
The Arsenal players will be ready to celebrate after the club announced the greatest signing of the season; they've tied up Arsene Wenger to a long-term deal. If there's a better bet than Arsenal to leave White Hart Lane with three points at 13/8, it must be hiding with Bin Laden.
Portsmouth will soon be in the Michael Barrymore position, they're going to seriously regret hosting a Pool party. Liverpool haven't conceded a goal from open play this season, the 4/5 is bordering on a gift.
Steve Bruce may look like he should be sitting on a wall outside a mansion, but his strength of character is beyond dispute. I'm not sitting on the fence in the Birmingham v Bolton meet; I'm on the Blues at 7/5.
Robbie Savage believes a dumb blonde will fly Concorde to the moon before John Toshack takes Wales to a World Cup. I agree that Toshack faces an uphill task, but the odds have improved dramatically since he dumped the deadwood on his arrival. I'm whinging like a little girl about only receiving 2/5 for a Chelsea win over Blackburn.
Middlesbrough's recent record at Upton Park is shabbier than Britney Spears; they've been absolutely hammered on their last five visits. I'm happier than Frank Lampard at 'an all you can eat' buffet with the even money for another West Ham win.
Thaksin Shinawatra is like Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies, he's worried about an oriental fellow sneaking up on him and banging him up. The 9/4 for a draw between Manchester City and Aston Villa is beyond reproach.
You can't expect to stay in the Premiership if you're leaking goals, and Derby have the flimsiest defence since Kate McCann. Nobody is questioning the 10/11 for a Newcastle win at Pride Park.
With the exception of Craig Gordon, the Sunderland squad looks incredibly weak. It takes a skilled horticulturist to grow roses using manure, and I haven't seen Roy Keane with a wheelbarrow since he signed his last contract at Manchester United. Reading look a great shout at 9/4 to leave the Stadium of Light with a point.
The wife has bought an 'adult' DVD in another misguided attempt to rejuvenate my flagging libido. I'm praying that the weekend accer of Arsenal, West Ham, Chelsea and Newcastle obliges at 12/1, as I need a good excuse to avoid an hour and a half of unviewable filth. There's a real chance it might be 'The Best of Jim Davidson'.