The Catcher in the Guy by Gerry McDonnell

The wife has got to make a meal out of everything. When giving birth, most women are in and out in a few hours with minimal whining, but the wife had to have 'complications'. I can't remember the exact excuse she gave for her extended three-day stay, I think it was something like a rupture, a breach, or the bed had collapsed.

While the wife was living it up in the ward with a newborn and a variety of painkillers, I was left home alone. As with all of life's little problems, the solution lay at the bottom of a pint glass. Unsurprisingly, my bank balance took a real beating, as I ended up in a particularly expensive round... barmaid.

My actions were perfectly justified as desperate times call for desperate measures. Steve McClaren can empathise, he's recalled Emile Heskey to the England squad.

Emile will always have supporters because of his size. Heskey could easily be mistaken for the side of a house, only he's more static. There's an often repeated fallacy that big men don't have a good touch; with Emile, it's purely a coincidence.

A few shrewd footy observers have spoken of Heskey's improved form over the past couple of years. This may well be true, but he'll never be a Pele; although he does remain impotent on the international stage.

England's midfield will also be under-strength. Owen Hargreaves has joined Beckham and Lennon on the treatment table and Frank Lampard has withdrawn with a thigh problem: he should really have called it a day after a bucket of wings.

The goalkeeping position is also up in the air. McClaren is expected to replace Paul Robinson with David James, which is like swapping gonorrhea for piles.

I accept that sometimes you have to go backwards to move forward, but that only works for female drivers. The England old boys are far too short at 4/11 against a capable Israeli side; the draw is the only way to play at 7/2.

People are quick to have a go at the Scots, but if it wasn't for our skirt-wearing neighbours, we wouldn't have television, the bicycle, penicillin, the telephone, or ginger children. Those Sweaties will try anything after a few swallies. I'll raise a glass of Buckfast and Irn Bru to the 4/11 for a Scottish win over Lithuania.

'Robbie Keane football shirts' are currently the second-best selling product in Ireland; only the enduring popularity of the potato-peeler has kept them off top spot. The talismanic Keane can inspire the Irish to a win in Slovakia at 15/8.

The German team are a lot like me this weekend; we're both going to be pounding Wales. It'll be World War III if I miss out on the 1/2 for Germany.

Thierry Henry must be devastated after his marriage officially ended this week. The delightful Claire Merry cited 'unreasonable behaviour' on her divorce petition, so naturally the judge gave her a quickie. I'm separating the bookies from their cash by backing Italy at 13/10 to take out the French.

If you believe the tabloids, Ronaldo, Nani, Anderson and a 'fat guy' have all been gorging on expensive tarts. I can confirm that Wayne Rooney is definitely not the mysterious fourth party, as he only gets involved when the pastry is slightly wrinkled. I absolutely refuse to discriminate against the 4/9 for a Portugal win over Poland.

I have no problem with Ronaldo celebrating last week's winning accer by playing immoral ball-games; I just want to know if he was throwing or catching. Scotland, Ireland, Italy and Portugal form an 11/1 weekend accer that will hopefully lead to a definitive answer.

The Catcher in the Guy by Gerry McDonnell

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