I've got my Bouncer down to a Tea by Gerry McDonnell

No matter how bad things may appear, there is always somebody in a considerably worse position. Unfortunately, that person is me. The old man's Alzheimer's has deteriorated; I just wish I had the inclination to help out.

To add to my woes, I'm almost certain that the wife is cheating on me with 'Mad Mark', the huge doorman from our local boozer. It's not her infidelity that grates me; it's the fact that I have to make his breakfast every morning.

The kids do offer the occasional moment of light relief in an otherwise miserable existence, but when you break down the costs involved in bringing them up, you can only class them as poor value for money. Yet throughout all these tribulations, I remain a happy man.

All I need to raise a smile is to see a small group of people kicking an inflated piece of pigskin around. I'd be just as happy to see an actual pig being knocked about, but the judge has ordered me to cut that out.

The Premiership remains my true love, but I've occasionally strayed into the arms of the football league, the SPL, the conference and the Paralympics. I'm a little bit uncomfortable watching football at such a poor level though, but Celtic did make it into the knockout stages of the Champions League.

This weekend, I'll be getting involved with the European Under 21 Championships. Bookmakers are as short as 11/5 for an England win, while the technically superior Dutch (reigning champions and hosts) are available at 5/1. Something is afoot, and just like the wife, that's around the 12 inch mark.

My old man used to always say, "Be careful what you wish for." Obviously this was before he began to aimlessly roam the streets, thrilling passers-by with his thoughts on the 1950's country music scene.

A lone male sharing a house with a group of women may appear a blessing, but on further reflection, it's closer to a living nightmare. If you pluck a lady at random, there's a conservative 10% chance that she'll be on the evils. When you throw 11 bints into the equation, you're now looking at a probability of 68% that at least one of them will be currently receiving a visit from the angry painter.

Ziggy may appear a level headed bloke, but you just can't ague with the math; he's going to be eaten alive at any minute. He's already showing signs of cracking; he tearfully announced that he was missing his dog, and he'd only been away from Chanelle for 10 minutes. None of the original housemates look appealing in the Big Brother outright winner market; 'any other' is a strong player at 10/11.

The press have been quick to condemn Emily for her moment of madness, but I think it's more of an education issue; the decision to let Big Ron teach a class was flawed from the very beginning. Betting is up on the next housemate to be evicted, 10/1 for miserable old trout Lesley looks a reasonable shout.

I'm a great lover of golf, there's nothing I enjoy more than playing a round on the weekend. I find it a frustrating pastime though; I don't think I've ever made a hole in one. The US Open kicks off on Thursday and I'll stick to my proven strategy of backing the Tiger at inflated prices; I can't see past the Woods at the threes.

Footballers may have a poor reputation, but the 'May Day for nurses' campaign has proved a real eye-opener. The often maligned Joey Barton was more than happy to help out, but then again, he's been throwing work their way for many years. The 19/1 weekend accer of Barcelona, Levante and Real Zaragoza is my little donation to the cause; I'll give a little more on Saturday night.

I've got my Bouncer down to a Tea by Gerry McDonnell

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