64 Seconds in Paris by Gerry McDonnell

I'm not one of those parents who wrap their children up in cotton wool; I refuse to even pay for pyjamas. I do try my best to keep little Goliath away from television that he may find disturbing though, which normally involves avoiding programmes with Noel Edmonds.

Manchester United's title winning celebrations at Eastlands caught me completely off-guard. The sight of a topless Rio Ferdinand should have set alarm bells ringing, but as he was next to a bare-chested Ronaldo; all I could think of was grabbing a can of Tango from the fridge.

Before I could reach the kitchen, the camera switched to widescreen to show Wayne Rooney with his hands gently caressing the bottom of his shirt. As Rooney's intentions became clear, I lurched for the remote control in a desperate yet futile attempt to save Goliath from the grisly spectacle.

The wee man was left traumatised by the ensuing pictures, and he's visited the sea-life centre on many occasions. Manchester United were in a similar state in '95 when the Hammers cost United the title; the Red Devils will finally take revenge at 3/5.

Jose Mourinho has rightly apologised for his over-the-top personal attack on Ronaldo. Judging a man as a result of his background is completely out of order; that's the kind of thing a Frenchman would do. I'm surrendering to the 8/13 for a Chelsea win over Everton.

Reporting a crime to the filth has a certain stigma attached to it, like being seen in public with a Sweaty, but few would argue with Dabo's decision to tuck up Joey Barton. Michael Ball's stamp on Ronaldo would suggest that Barton has been a real influence on his team-mates; I'm putting my foot down, get on Spurs at 1/2 to see off Man City.

Charlton may have suffered the ignominy of relegation, but like Arnold Schwarzenegger, they'll be back, probably harassing women. I'm getting my hands on the 2/5 for a Liverpool win over the Addicks.

I'm not one to point fingers, unless I see an overweight ginger-haired kid with glasses, but Freddie Shepherd should shoulder the blame for Newcastle's awful season. A draw between the disappointing Watford and Newcastle will come as no surprise at 12/5.

Paris Hilton has found herself looking at a prison sentence, or to use the correct term; she's gone for a Barton. (It's heartbreaking when your favourite movie stars let themselves down.) That young lady needs to be scared straight; it would take me just over a minute. I'm currently getting stuck into the 11/10 for a Blackburn win over Reading.

Cesc Fabregas is a quality footballer, but I suspect that he may also lead a secret life as a superhero. Fabman's noble quest is to mildly annoy tubby midfielders. An Arsenal win over Pompey is the call at an absolutely fabulous 6/4.

I have to take my hat off to Neil Warnock. The Sheffield United manager has only found himself in one touchline ruck this season; that's a remarkable show of restraint from the combustible northerner. Sheffield United can put the nail in Wigan's Premiership coffin at a placid 13/10.

Sammy Lee has always been a winner. The Bolton manager once played a starring role in Liverpool's FA youth cup winning team; but he was 37 at the time. The wife is also a little person, but it doesn't hold her back; I just put a chair by the sink. There's nothing small about the 3/1 for an Aston Villa win over Bolton.

I'll try anything once, except enter a pie-eating contest with Mark Viduka. I must have a go on Middlesbrough at 10/11 against Fulham.

Paris Hilton and I have a lot in common, we're both reluctant to do a little bird. Aston Villa, Chelsea, Man Utd and Middlesbrough form a weekend accer that I am genuinely excited about; the payout is a salacious 18/1.

64 Seconds in Paris by Gerry McDonnell

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