McCaffrey's Gone Flat by Gerry McDonnell

You have to admire the Chinese. Their ability to knock up a wall and eat with sticks is impressive enough, but it's their work in the field of insightful proverb creation where they truly excel.

'Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach him how to fish and he'll bore you in conversation' is one of theirs, and never a truer word was spoken.

Personally, the phrase I use most often is 'good things come in little packages', but it is a blatant lie. Good things do come to those who wait though; and after a four year hiatus, the Premiership trophy is on its way back to Old Trafford.

United can wrap up the title at Eastlands against a Manchester City side who have only scored 10 goals at home all season. Another blank for Psycho's mob will leave them with the worst record since the latest offering from the sexually ambiguous Robbie Williams. I'm only going one way in this match; United will see off a Barton-less City at 8/15.

It's been another fantastic season for Sam Allardyce, if we choose to disregard the odd episode of Panorama. The threat of a Glasgow kiss has forced the big man to walk away from the Reebok; West Ham can take full advantage at 5/4.

The press believe that the Hammers were only spared a points deduction for rule-breaking as they pleaded guilty at the last minute. I guess throwing your hands up to a mistake is always the right course of action; I await a statement from Mr and Mrs McCaffrey. I'm admitting to a little interest in Tevez to score at any time at 15/8.

Arsenal and Chelsea meet for the first time since the Snarling Cup final where Adedayor saw red for looking like Eboue. An Arsenal win over a deflated Chelsea resembles value at 19/10.

I would hate to see anyone lose their job, with the possible exception of Tim Lovejoy, but the omens do not look good for Glenn Roeder. Fat Freddie has allegedly been courting Sven Goran Eriksson (It's a step up for Sven after Ulrika) and Big Sam is also in the frame. A Newcastle win over Blackburn at 13/10 will keep Roeder in his position, for now.

Gareth Southgate is better than Pele; the Middlesbrough manager can keep Wood on a permanent basis. I'm getting up early to back Boro at 5/2 to beat Wigan.

A few members of the betting community are still sore with Harry Redknapp. It's not a result of the great 'next Pompey manager' sting of 2005; it's the fact that he's almost certainly partly responsible for Jamie. All will be forgiven if Pompey leave Goodison Park with a point at 12/5.

The Villa have a 100% record at home to Sheffield United in the Premiership, but admittedly, that form is older than Helen Chamberlain. History is against the Blades, recent form is also against them, but perhaps most tellingly of all, the G man is against them. The Villa will turn it on at 11/10.

Lefty lunatic Michael Moore made the point that soldiers on the front line are rarely sons of influential people, but Prince Harry's decision to toil for the oil has bucked that trend. His old man is understandably anxious though; keep your chin up Major. It'll be a major surprise if Spurs fail to beat Charlton; I'm getting involved at a slick 7/5.

The last three matches between Reading and Watford may have finished goalless, but the Hornets are now easier to beat than a Frenchman in Manchester. The Royals can consolidate their UEFA Cup spot at a fighting 4/9.

Appointing a boss on a temporary basis can occasionally pay dividends, but Lawrie Sanchez is the worst caretaker since Ian Huntley. Liverpool have won their last two meets with Fulham by four clear goals, a great week for the Reds is about to get better at 13/10.

Banking the cash from last week's winning accer may appeal to some, but I plan to roll over the profit like it was Kate Moss. Newcastle, Reading, West Ham and Aston Villa are the four good-things, the payout is a titillating 14/1.

McCaffrey's Gone Flat by Gerry McDonnell

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