A Little Wayne Never Hurt Anyone by Gerry McDonnell

As much as I enjoy my position as the country's leading football betting scribe, I occasionally yearn for the more glamorous world of investigative journalism.

When news broke that David Moyes had initiated legal proceedings against Wayne Rooney for alleging that his ex-boss leaked tales of his 'cash for a rash' habit; I sensed my opportunity.

To get to the bottom of the story, I knew I had to do everything that young Rooney did, with the exception of the old trout.

After conducting my initial enquiries, I can confirm that there are establishments that offer this kind of tawdry service, and they open on a Friday night, a Saturday morning and a Sunday afternoon. I'm not sure if these places are open in midweek, but my investigation is ongoing.

At this early stage, I wouldn't like to put money on Moyes being successful in his action, as my overheads have left me virtually potless. I'll try to recoup a little by backing Rooney's United to see off the Moyes boys at 8/11.

It may sound ridiculous to claim that Watford have enjoyed their spell in the top flight, but some people welcome a spanking on a weekly basis. The Hornets will be getting tonked at Bramall Lane this week, 4/7 is lying on the table.

Manchester City haven't scored a Premiership goal in front of their own supporters since New Years Day. Luckily for the Psycho, Aston Villa are the next visitors to Eastlands so Vassell is guaranteed a goal. The Villa are unbeaten in their last six matches; a draw looks the call at 9/4.

Jose Mourinho believes that Manchester United's opponents are denied penalties as a result of a 'new rule'. The Special One is completely wrong on this one; that directive was introduced several years ago. I only have one rule this weekend, get on Chelsea at 1/3 to see off Bolton.

If I had to pick Wigan's most consistent performer, I'd probably plump for the chairman; he's been consistently wrong in every interview this season. West Ham can drag Wigan into the relegation battle at 12/5.

Charlton have one major advantage over their backdoor threatened rivals, they have the Bent lad up front. The classy hitman can help Charlton leave Ewood Park with a point at 5/2.

I was surprised that the tabloids found it newsworthy to reveal that the royal family are Arsenal fans. I'm pretty sure that Prince Philip supported the Gunners in last season's Champions League final; I heard he wrote a note saying 'Get it done in Paris.' The Queen's favourite team will put one over her favourite shopkeeper at 4/9.

Stevie Gerrard swapped shirts with Frank Lampard after Liverpool's first leg defeat in their Champions League semi; he's always had a soft spot for camping. The Reds will have one eye on the second leg; Portsmouth can land the upset at 11/4.

Reading were absolutely devastated when Newcastle won from behind at St James' earlier in the season; nobody has regretted losing a lead in such a fashion since Helen Chamberlain's ex-boyfriend. The Royals can gain revenge at 21/20.

Middlesbrough are having to plan for next season without Mark Viduka. Gareth Southgate is said to be quite disappointed; but it's Christmas come early for the catering department. Backing the draw between Boro and Spurs at 12/5 will make us all feel that little bit happier.

Portsmouth, Sheffield United, Arsenal and Reading form a 14/1 weekend accer that is so liberating, I've finally realised that the female of the species is not a commodity that can be bought and sold. Renting remains a viable alternative.

A Little Wayne Never Hurt Anyone by Gerry McDonnell

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