The Heir on the Dog by Gerry McDonnell

I try to avoid the political arena as a rule, but as a concerned parent, I'm furious with this government's education policy. It makes my blood boil to see numeracy, literacy and religious tolerance dominate the curriculum, while tenuous football related analogies remain conspicuous by their absence.

The children could do a lot worse than watch the video of Chelsea's FA cup semi-final win over Blackburn. If the little brats can't be inspired by the reconciliation of Mourinho and Abramovich as a result of the beautiful game, they may as well go and sew trainers for a living as further education would prove a waste of time and money.

I was hugely excited by the news that Roman shared a hug with Jose; it's been quite a while for me. I'm embracing the 4/7 for a Chelsea win over Newcastle.

The majority of the young lads would undoubtedly benefit from this revolutionary educational concept, and I'd even consider showing the tape to the girls if a strong grade in home economics has been achieved. Spurs versus Arsenal is be the embodiment of equality, the draw is an outstanding 23/10 shot.

It makes economic sense to look after the kids of today, as you never know when you'll need a cheap car stereo in the future. The 10/11 for Bolton to beat Reading is another example of value for money.

Charlton v Sheffield United could well be the greatest domestic dust-up since the Scottish war of independence where the English and the Sweaties went toe to toe in an epic battle. I'm no history buff, but as Scotland remained an independent nation at the end of the skirmish; I'm assuming England won quite comfortably. Charlton can follow suit at 23/20.

Mohammed Al Fayed may have taken a huge gamble appointing a caretaker manager at the business end of the season, but Sanchez is oozing confidence. "They said I couldn't beat Spain, couldn't beat Sweden and couldn't beat England; I've proved the impossible is possible." He's quite an articulate Lawrie. A driven Fulham can share the spoils with Blackburn at 23/10.

I can't foresee a Wigan goal at Anfield; the Scousers have been tighter at the back than Lee Hughes all season. Liverpool should take all three points at 4/9.

We all have people we admire. Some dig Mandela, others like the cut of Jesus' jib. Personally, I have a lot of time for Aidy Boothroyd. The Watford manager has remained upbeat throughout a disastrous campaign; Manchester City can land another blow at 17/10.

I have the utmost sympathy for Andy Johnson. On recent evidence, the England striker would need to be repeatedly pommeled with a baseball bat for the referee to even consider awarding a penalty; and that may not be enough at Old Trafford. West Ham can inflict a little pain on the Toffeemen at 6/4.

Aston Villa are finishing the season as they started; if it wasn't for that little six-month sticky patch in the middle they could have been contenders. The Villans are unbeaten against Pompey in their last six meets, the O'Neill revolution will continue at 5/4.

Cristiano Ronaldo has signed a new five year deal worth a reported £25m. That kind of money could go a long way to eradicating world hunger, although it would probably be easier to just ask Mark Viduka to donate his snacks. Manchester United will devour Middlesbrough at 1/5.

Rio Ferdinand limped out of the FA cup semi-final feeling his groin; confirming my suspicions. Luckily, the injury is not as serious as it first appeared; Rio can add a clean sheet to a United win at a more appetising 4/7.

Bolton, Charlton, Manchester City and Aston Villa form a 21/1 weekend accer that is so forthright; Prince William had finally explained why he binned Kate Middleton. "She's friendly, she's good with figures and her vocabulary is impressive, but the bint can't boil an egg," mused the astute part German future monarch.

The Heir on the Dog by Gerry McDonnell

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