The bra has been raised by Gerry McDonnell

There are two things in life that I'll never really understand; bigamy, and the mechanics of a bra. The wife finds my ineptness hilarious, she was rolling on the floor last night as I struggled with a multitude of hooks; I should really have passed her the valium.

For me, that was the least amusing moment of my life, and I've met Tim Lovejoy.

Whenever I feel depressed, I find the quotes of Ian Holloway are always therapeutic. The great man has been responsible for more quality lines than Pete Doherty.

The Plymouth manager's mirth masks an underlying intelligence, like a beauty queen dying her hair ginger to fend off an unwanted suitor. I refuse to underestimate the modern day Socrates; I'm piling into Plymouth at 17/10 to knock out Watford.

The last time Middlesbrough met Manchester United, Gareth Southgate was quick to condemn Ronaldo's propensity to greet the turf like a long lost relative.

Sir Alex was equally unequivocal in his counter, labelling the novice manager 'naive', which as far as I'm aware, is not even a real word. There are an abundance of words that adequately sum up the 3/4 for another Manchester United win, I've settled for 'pulchritudinous'.

It would not surprise me in the slightest if the contentious Ronaldo opened the scoring at 7/1. The orange winger is currently so hot; it would take a whole tub of Canesten to cool him down.

Chelsea's grip on the Premiership has been loosened by the often-maligned John O'Shea. Frank Lampard found it particularly ironic, as most of his goals have been assisted by John's lesser-known brother, Rick.

I've had a pop at Lamps in the past, but I must praise him for defending Adebayor in the aftermath of the Carling Cup. I'm not sure I believe his claim that he was never smacked; something must have given him the munchies. I'll be taking the family out for a slap-up meal if Chelsea beat Tottenham at 4/9; they can even 'go large'.

Jose Mourinho should steer clear of the card tables. The Special One looked completely bewildered as Shevchenko missed another sitter last week; the only way the Chelsea manager would ever win at poker is if he played the West Ham lads. A bet on Lampard to net the opener at 13/2 is the equivalent of getting your hands on a big pair.

Blackburn host Manchester City in a tie that has 'home win' written all over it. The Rovers have already hammered Psycho's gang twice this season; the odds of 19/20 would need to be lying seductively on a couch wearing a Velcro brassiere to be any more appealing.

Manchester City's strike-force is so lightweight, wafer-thin model Kate Moss would be a clear favourite if they were ever to meet in a ruck. Blackburn are 6/5 to keep a clean sheet, dig in.

I'm often asked why I appear reluctant to share my expertise on the Scottish football scene. I can assure you it's not a result of xenophobia; some of my best friends know Scottish people.

Celtic are on a six match unbeaten run against Rangers; they look a cracking investment at 21/20 to continue their recent outright ownership. There's a real lesson to be learned here, money earned from an FA Cup match is equal to money gained from park football.

The weekend accer is so inspiring; it makes me believe that one day all men will be free from discrimination, injustice and persecution for trying to lift a bra over a lady's head. Chelsea, Blackburn, Plymouth and Celtic are the selections, the payout is an ample 12/1.

The bra has been raised by Gerry McDonnell

Previous Articles From Gerry McDonnell