Swing When You're Tinning by Gerry McDonnell

Mark Twain once said that golf is a good walk spoiled; it is if a driver has been wrapped around your kneecaps.

The always controversial Craig Bellamy allegedly thrust his wood in the direction of John Arne Riise after a heavy night on the ale. Personally, I blame Jermaine Pennant; he started all this drinking and driving.

What most surprised me about the incident was the silence of the new American owners. As Bellamy swung the club, I'd have expected a shout of 'You da man' or 'Get in the hole'.

Incredibly, the blaze of publicity has improved team morale. Bellamy and Riise both found the net in midweek; I'm definitely putting my wedge on Liverpool sinking Sheffield United at 4/11.

The row over a karaoke machine was so ridiculous; it reminded me of when the wife attacked me over something minor. In my defence, she told me she was 21. I'm piling into the 21/10 about Reading beating up Middlesbrough.

I found it outrageous that Gary Neville was struck by a missile in Manchester United's win over Lille. I remember Robbie Fowler was involved in a similar incident a few years ago, but the Scouser's throw ended up well short of the target. I'm throwing my dough on United to beat Fulham at 1/2.

Defeat for either side in the Charlton v West Ham match spells almost certain relegation and an estimated £50m loss. The stakes are so high; Pete Doherty is taking an interest.

On recent form and with home advantage, you have to fancy Charlton at 13/10. The Egg man will have to sell a shed-load of biscuits to recoup that amount of cash; he's looking at two hours of trading after a Babyshambles gig.

Somewhat embarrassingly, I used to be an altar boy in my youth. I initially decided that a lifetime of celibacy was not for me; but after sleeping with the wife for six years, I'm reconsidering my position. Everton can leave the Vicarage with three points at 11/8.

Sam Allardyce has spoken of his fears for the future of English football, as the youth of today are 'fat and lazy'. Frank Lampard is in consultation with his brief. Spurs must be backed at a chunky 11/10 to devour Bolton.

Emre has allegedly pleaded with Galatasaray to rescue him from his Newcastle nightmare. The sight of those shivering, shirtless Frank Lampard look-alikes in the crowd has finally broken the poor man's spirit. I'm putting my shirt on a Wigan win over Newcastle at 8/5.

Let's hope that Benjani is not relying on a goal scoring bonus to pay off his mortgage, or he'll soon be knocking on the door of Robbie Savage's caravan. I'm travelling to the bookies to get on Blackburn at 13/10 to see off Pompey.

The Arsenal team were delighted to receive the honour of an audience with the Queen. Jens Lehmann was particularly excited, but that's understandable as he's a compatriot.

The Queen looked more than happy to meet up with Freddie Ljungberg. For some strange reason, I can't imagine Liz as a normal passionate woman. My reticence may be born out of respect for her position as the head of state, or it could be the fact that she's a double-bagger.

Nothing would please me more than seeing the young Gunners lift the Carling Cup (except for the wife leaving), but from a punting perspective, the value lies with Chelsea at 6/5 to win the match in 90 minutes.

For the more conservative bettors, Chelsea should be backed at 8/13 to get their hands on the first silverware of the season; if we choose to disregard Craig Bellamy's handcuffs.

The accer this week is so conciliatory, Liverpool FC have announced a long overdue golf club amnesty. Wigan, Blackburn, Tottenham and Chelsea are the selections, the payout is an amicable 25/1.

Swing When You're Tinning by Gerry McDonnell

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