In Thickness and in Elf by Gerry McDonnell

Whenever possible, I try to accentuate the positive. Even when I caught the wife cheating on me, I remained upbeat; it was one less unpleasant job for me.

I also hold no grudge against her partner. In fact, I'm having a fiver each-way on him at Cheltenham.

As a genuinely magnanimous person, I feel I must defend Cristiano Ronaldo. If it wasn't for the Portuguese wizard, we wouldn't have the visually stunning yet ultimately useless multiple step-over manoeuvre. The lord of the wings will inspire Manchester United to an easy win over Charlton; I'm falling over myself to get on at 1/6.

The new owners of Liverpool FC have vowed to uphold the traditions of the franchise; Gillett and Hicks have already helped themselves to three sets of hubcaps. The Pool will have to settle for a point against Newcastle at 12/5.

Everton supporters are justifiably upset with Rafa Benitez for his 'small club' jibe. The Toffeemen once had a player who scored 60 goals in a season; I think it was Pixie Dean. The 6/5 for little Everton to see off Blackburn will lead to substantial financial growth.

Everton intend to strengthen their squad in the summer; David Moyes is planning a small bid for Petit. Tiny Tim Cahill is definitely due a goal, I'm goblin up the 7/1 for him to open the scoring.

Reading v Aston Villa is a 'Robbie Williams' match, it could easily go either way. Advising 'No bet' in a match is like going home from the pub after two pints; occasionally sensible, but incredibly camp. Just like with the wife's sister, I'm going to try my best to stay out of it.

Gareth Southgate is exceeding all expectations at the Riverside. Admittedly, his predecessor was Steve McClaren, so avoiding relegation without spending the equivalent of the Chinese GDP would be considered a relative success. Boro can snatch a point at Stamford Bridge at 9/2.

Robbie Savage and Ashley Cole have suffered nasty injuries in recent weeks; El Hadji Diouf must be petrified. Bolton will lambaste Fulham at 8/11.

West Ham are in a spot of bother. In fact, it's closer to a melanoma. The Hammers are now odds on for the drop and their big signings are collapsing like a Portuguese winger. West Ham can rejoin the road to safety by cutting up Watford at a raging 5/6.

Arsenal may play football beautifully, but their goal celebrations are a lot less pleasing to the eye. Henry and Adebayor are yet to learn that two men dancing together is only acceptable if the 'eight pint minimum' rule has been strictly adhered to. The Gunners will waltz past Wigan at 2/7.

I never thought I'd use the word 'International' in relation to Joey Barton, unless it was swiftly followed by the word 'fugitive'. England's new boy can ensure Man City leave Fratton Park with a point at 9/4.

Martin Jol may look like Popeye, but it's been far from plain sailing for Tottenham in recent weeks. The Spurs faithful have had all they can stand, they can't stands no more. Sheffield United can add salt at 19/10.

This weeks accer is so colossal, little Everton would need a stepladder just to reach its kneecaps. Everton, Sheffield United, West Ham and Arsenal are the selections, the payout is an ever decreasing 13/1.

In Thickness and in Elf by Gerry McDonnell

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