Playing with one's health by Gerry McDonnell

I'm a little bit down at the minute. I've been carrying around a few pound of overweight and i'm struggling to find any real direction. I need to talk to a professional; I need to 'Talk to Frank'.

Mr Lampard is in the perfect position to help me through this crisis; a win for the champions over a woeful Wigan will lift my spirits at a mental 2/9.

The wife is also in therapy; she's been seeing a wily shrink for a number of years. The good doctor fancies Bolton to beat Man City at 4/5. If you're after a second opinion, I concur.

My love-life has improved dramatically since the wife began her treatment; I make the most of the two hours that she's out of the house. I'm getting stuck into the 3/1 about Watford holding Liverpool to a draw.

Henrik Larsson has been labelled the new Eric Cantona; I look forward to him putting on seven stone and scissor-kicking Cockneys. Of course that's just a joke, putting on weight can lead to health problems. Henrik proved the difference between Man U and Villa a week ago, another United win appeals at a seagull-trawling 2/7.

I was genuinely surprised to read that Cristiano Ronaldo has been enjoying liaisons with a Hollyoaks star; he doesn't look the type to get involved with an actress. The Portuguese love machine can find the net at 13/8.

I'm a real technophobe; I just hate the repetitive beats. My computer says that Sheffield United represent value at 17/10 to see off Pompey at Bramall Lane.

I've been suffering from panic attacks lately; possibly brought on by the wife almost finding my 'special' DVD's. Luckily, I've now hidden them in a place where she'll never find them; the kitchen. I'm tucking into the 10/11 about Arsenal beating Blackburn.

It's no coincidence that Arsenal's results have improved since Arsene Wenger whipped out his 'Beast'. Julio Baptista practically beat the Scousers on his own in midweek; the new improved Gunners can win by two clear goals at 5/2.

It was refreshing to see Phil Neville apologise for Everton's abysmal performance against Blackburn; I hope Neville Neville will now hold his hands up to his two mistakes.

Everton tried to claim that their surrender was due to the poor shape of the ball, they're hoping for a triangular one against Reading. The Royals can leave Goodison with a point at a shapely 9/4.

The wife didn't enjoy our honeymoon; well she did for 64 seconds. The honeymoon period is well and truly over for Alan Curbishley, West Ham's collapse at Reading was the greatest capitulation since the last war that the French were momentarily involved in.

Curbs has labelled his under-achieving team 'the Bentley brigade'. I think they're a racing certainty to see off Fulham at 6/5; unless they choke.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, I'm coming round there tooled up. Opposing Newcastle's decimated squad has hit me where it hurts recently; Spurs will right this heinous wrong at 4/5.

The wife has been diagnosed as a schizophrenic, and I don't care for either of them. I do like the 7/4 about Middlesbrough seeing off Charlton.

This week's accer is so persuasive, Frank Lampard has finally agreed to a meet-up. Bolton, Man Utd, West Ham, Arsenal and Tottenham are the selections, the payout is a multiple-chinned 16/1.

Playing with one's health by Gerry McDonnell

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