Heifery Thing Must Go by Gerry McDonnell

Deep down, I'm just an old romantic. I always hold the wife's hand when we go out together; it restricts her swing.

It's somewhat cliched to speak of the 'romance of the cup', but even I'm going weak at the knees at the prospect of Chelsea v Macclesfield.

My heart yearns for the Silkmen, but my head is saying Chelsea; and I refuse to argue against head. You can't back the champions at odds as short as 1/40, but covering the 1-0 / 2-0 / 3-0 / 4-0 correct scores can land an even money coup.

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach; there's been a lot of love for Frank Lampard. The plump midfielder looks the best bet for the first goal at 4/1.

I found it absolutely outrageous that Wayne Rooney was caught singing anti-Scouse songs in a boozer with Gary Neville. Why on earth would anyone go out with Gary Neville? Everyone wants to pal-up a Man U win over Villa at 3/10.

I'm not superstitious, but I can't shake the feeling that Henrik Larsson is destined to net the opening goal against his former mentor. I'll be crossing fingers, touching wood and kicking black cats in the hope of a 9/2 payout.

I was shocked to see that Liverpool were 'odds on' to beat Arsenal; the Scousers' record against 'the big 3' is so poor, it's been claiming benefits. The Gunners are simply too big to miss at 11/4.

Thierry Henry danced on the touchline when he found the net on his midweek comeback, i'll be having a hoedown if Henry opens the scoring at 11/2.

My problem is I love too much, although admittedly, for not very long. I'm currently infatuated with the 6/5 on offer for Fulham to hunt down the Foxes.

Tottenham would not have been happy about drawing Cardiff away, it's in Wales. The Bluebird's form has dipped dramatically in recent weeks; Spurs can romp in at a sheepish 4/5.

Hossam Ghaly lost four teeth after being kicked in the face on New Years Day; he'll feel at home amongst the Welsh. It's a toss up between Berbatov and Defoe for the first goal; they do things a little differently in the valleys.

In football, as in life, nobody wants to go to Doncaster. The League One outfit have only lost once at home all season, and have won their last five without conceding in front of their own supporters. Bolton have drawn the short straw, the Rovers can land the upset at 5/1.

Paul Heffernan has scored in six of his last seven games for Donny; not for the first time, I'll be getting on a Heffer at 9/1 to score first.

Portsmouth v Wigan is a rematch of the six-pointer they shared earlier in the season. It wasn't a relegation scrap; the Premier League awarded Pompey the extra points because Benjani scored the winning goal. Portsmouth are good things at 4/5 for a repeat.

It's better to have loved and lost, than to end up with a Sweaty. The draw has been priced up at 7/2 between West Ham and Brighton; I'm besotted.

I'm beginning to feel sympathy for Andy Johnson. The only way he'll be awarded a penalty against Blackburn is if Robbie Savage were to run him over with his motor, home. Everton will run all over Blackburn at 11/10.

The wife has got to go. She told me that I had a face that only a mother could love, I think she suspects something. I'm highly suspicious about the rather large 7/4 about a Birmingham win over Newcastle.

Birmingham, Fulham, Everton and Spurs form the weekend accer. The 18/1 payout is so enchanting, it reminds me of when I first fell for the wife; it was a cracking left hook.

Heifery Thing Must Go by Gerry McDonnell

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