Flappy Girth Day To Roo by Gerry McDonnell

I'm not obsessed with celebrity, but I feel I have a genuine connection with Paul McCartney. Admittedly, I have no musical talent, and I'd happily kill my own mother for a bacon sandwich; but I know what it's like to get grief from a legless woman.

Coincidentally, Martin Jol has a lot in common with the former Beatle; they're only successful thanks to Lennon. With young Aaron back to full fitness, Spurs receive a confident nod at 6/5 to leave Watford with three points.

I've seen some tough cookies in my time, but I've never seen a man bite into a hammer. Sink your teeth into the 6/1 about Jermain Defoe netting the opener.

Chelsea have travelled to Bramall Lane twice before in the Premiership and lost both times. In my opinion, that stat's about as useful as Titus Bramble. It's fair to say that the result of the Sheffield United v Chelsea match is a foregone conclusion; Chelsea are stone cold certainties at 4/11.

I tried replicating the match on a computer game last night, but the PC blew up when Shevchenko shared a pitch with Danny Shittu. The Shevvy looks a racing certainty to score at any time at even money.

Jose Mourinho has been accused of not telling the complete truth this week, which is like accusing a bear of being hairy. With Neil Warnock on the scene, there's as much chance of it going off on the touchline as there is on the pitch, I'd be lying if I said that the 5/2 for a player or manager to be sent off wasn't appealing.

Jamie Carragher is having sleepless nights as a result of Liverpool's poor start to the season; I'm also struggling to get my head down at night. Stevie 'overdue a transfer request' Gerrard is apparently unhappy with life under Benitez, the Villa can leave Anfield with a point at 13/5.

Brett Emerton claims that morale at Blackburn is exceptionally high thanks to Robbie Savage's practical jokes. (I particularly like the one where he goes down clutching his face for no apparent reason.) Blackburn will be without the hilarious blonde for the trip to a struggling West Ham; you have to back the Rovers at 9/5.

Arsenal have announced that Cesc Fabregas has signed a new eight year contract; even Jamie Theakston hasn't been tied up for that long. Everton have been on the end of a few proper spankings at the hands of the Gunners in recent years; Arsenal are the weekend nap at 4/9 to whip them again.

David Moyes would give his right arm to leave the Emirates with a point, but that trade has only ever come off for Heather Mills. The Toffeemen have conceded 26 goals on their last 7 visits to Highbury, a 3-0 win for the Gunners tempts at 9/1.

Man City were absolutely murdered by an average Wigan team last week; Beenie should never have let Pearce pick the team. Ben Thatcher returns to the fold for City, Middlesbrough can snatch a point at a (forearm) smashing 9/4.

Newspapers can often make mistakes. I saw a headline of 'Heskey scores a wonder goal' last weekend; of course it should have read, 'Heskey scores a goal... wonders will never cease'. Fulham v Wigan is a great fixture for trend followers; the team playing at home have won the last eight matches. The Cottagers are over priced at 11/10.

Iain Dowie is like the sun, you should never look directly at him. I'm guessing that the strain must be showing as a result of Charlton's woeful form, Newcastle are the call at 4/5 to add to Dowie's season of woe.

Andy Cole has announced that he wishes to be known as 'Andrew' from now on. Andy and Kanu are doing incredibly well for Pompey; I find it incredible that they haven't had a hip replaced. Portsmouth have an easy looking match on paper at home to Reading; I fancy the draw at 12/5 if played on grass.

Coleen McLoughlin deserves a lot of credit; when faced with the mind-bending question of what do you give a man who has everything; she avoided the easy answer of 'Slim-Fast'. Rooney's 21st birthday celebrations will not be dampened at the Reebok, Man U will see off the Wanderers at 10/11.

This week's accer is so cute, Madonna is considering adopting it. Chelsea, Arsenal, Man Utd, Fulham and Tottenham are the selections, the payout is a curvaceous 14/1.

Weekend Betting:

Sheff Utd v Chelsea Saturday 28th October 12:45 Live on Premiership Plus

Sheff Utd 11/1
Draw 4/1
Chelsea 4/11

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:
Chelsea to win 2-0 11/2

Arsenal v Everton Saturday 28th October 15:00

Arsenal 4/9
Draw 10/3
Everton 8/1

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:
Fabregas to score at any time 7/2

Bolton v Man Utd Saturday 28th October 15:00

Bolton 7/2
Draw 23/10
Man Utd 10/11

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:
Scholes to score with a header 7/1

Fulham v Wigan Saturday 28th October 15:00

Fulham 11/10
Draw 9/4
Wigan 11/4

Get on: Fulham

Match Special:
Fulham to win and keep a clean sheet 12/5

Liverpool v Aston Villa Saturday 28th October 15:00

Liverpool 8/13
Draw 13/5
Aston Villa 11/2

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Steven Gerrard to be booked 11/4

Portsmouth v Reading Saturday 28th October 15:00

Portsmouth 5/6
Draw 12/5
Reading 7/2

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
No goalscorer in the match 17/2

Watford v Tottenham Saturday 28th October 15:00

Watford 13/5
Draw 23/10
Tottenham 6/5

Get on: Tottenham

Match Special:
Tottenham to score three or more goals 4/1

Newcastle v Charlton Saturday 28th October 17:15 Live on Premiership Plus

Newcastle 4/5
Draw 12/5
Charlton 7/2

Get on: Newcastle

Match Special:
Duff to score the only goal of the game 50/1

West Ham v Blackburn Sunday 29th October 16:00 Live on Sky

West Ham 6/4
Draw 9/4
Blackburn 9/5

Get on: Blackburn

Match Special:
McCarthy to score two or more goals 8/1

Man City v Middlesbrough Monday 30th October 20:00 Live on Sky

Man City 11/8
Draw 9/4
Middlesbrough 2/1

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Thatcher to be booked 15/8

Flappy Girth Day To Roo by Gerry McDonnell

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