The Bedding Zinger by Gerry McDonnell

I'm not the sentimental type. The only time I've ever cried as an adult was when the wife threatened to leave me; I was absolutely devastated when she changed her mind at the last minute. Somewhat embarrassingly, I have to admit to being moved by the story of 'Beenie', the little furry horse that saved Stuart Pearce from the chop. I can only imagine how embarrassing it must have been to have a little animal beside you on the touchline, but Beenie coped with the situation remarkably well.

The only way that Man City will get a result at Goodison Park is if Beenie can persuade possible relation Ruud Van Nistelrooy to offer a helping hand; get involved with the Toffeemen at a beatific 5/6.

Paul Jewell's decision to spend the majority of his summer transfer budget on Emile Heskey is proving to be the most outrageous rick since 'The Young Ones' first aired. Blackburn have never lost to Wigan in a competitive match, the Rovers are a confident call at even money.

Robbie Savage stripped down to his pants in Blackburn's win over Boro last week; that type of behaviour should really be confined to the caravan. Savage's name has gone into the referee's book in exactly half of the Premiership matches he's played this season; the 6/4 on offer for another yellow is quite tempting.

Liverpool always struggle when they travel to Bolton, they've only taken three points on one of their last six visits. There's more chance of Sam Allardyce paying his license fee early than there is of the Scousers taking liberties at the Reebok. Bolton are worth a nibble at a perm-flattening 3/1.

It's an unwritten law in football that players always score against their former employers. I think El Hadji Diouf netted in this fixture last season, (I'm not 100% sure as my notes are in shorthand; I don't even know why I got Jeremy Beadle involved.) the Senegalese hitman is a 4/1 shot to repeat the feat.

With only one win under his belt in his managerial career, Gareth Southgate has taken to his new role like a duck to slaughter. Boro face a tricky looking trip to Sheffield to face the Blades; I like the draw at 9/4.

The last time these teams met in the league, Dean Saunders netted the winner for United. It's fair to say that in his prime, Deano would be a greater goal threat than Ade Akinbiyi. In fact, feel free to remove 'in his prime' from that sentence. This one has nil-nil written all over it; back no goalscorer in the match at a truly delightful 17/2.

One complaint often levelled against Arsenal is that they hate to win ugly, poor old Iain Dowie has literally no choice. Ashley Cole claimed that there was a lack of team spirit in the Arsenal dressing room, it appears to have improved dramatically now he's gone. The Gunners are the weekend nap at 4/7 to leave the Valley victorious.

It's widely believed that Isaac Newton was inspired to formulate the theory of universal gravitation as a result of an apple falling on his head. However, I prefer to believe that he saw a mediocre Watford team win last season's play-offs and declared, "Wat goes up, must come down.' Fulham struggle to win away as a rule, but that's only against Premiership teams. Back the Cottagers at 2/1.

With a three point deduction hanging over their heads after the Ashley Cole shenanigans, the Chelsea board must have been literally cowering throughout Panorama. (Even Seth Armstrong didn't poach this much, allegedly.) The Champions have only won two of their last six meetings against a David O'Leary led Villa; an unbeaten Martin O'Neill team should definitely be backed at 11/1 to pull off a shock.

It's all going wrong at the Lane. Spurs have only scored in one league match this season, their supporters are booing the players off the pitch and Jermaine Jenas missed the easiest opening since Helen Chamberlain. Portsmouth can leave North London with a point at 12/5.

Call me a mad conspiracy theorist, but is it simply coincidence that Wayne Rooney's dip in form has coincided with KFC introducing a new spicy chicken range? I fear not. Looking on the bright side, the big lad enjoys playing against Newcastle more than he enjoys socialising with antiquated ladies. (United have completed a double over Newcastle for the last two seasons, with Rooney netting in all four matches.) I fancy the round one to return to form as United romp in at 4/11.

The acc of the week:

This week's accer is so attractive; Pete Doherty is considering binning Kate Moss as a direct result. Pete may have quipped, "Sure, Kate's a looker; but this acc is absolutely gorgeous." Arsenal, Everton, Blackburn, Man Utd and Fulham are the pretty young things; the payout is a colossal 20/1.

The weekend specials:

"A little Scotch" - Paul Dickov to score with a header 7/1
"A Johnny Walker" - John Terry to be sent off 50/1
"Jim Beam please" - Beattie to score the last goal 11/2
"A large Bells" - Craig Bellamy to score with a header 6/1
"A double JD" - Jermain Defoe to score two or more goals 13/2
"A wild turkey" - Robbie Savage to be sent off 20/1

The quote of the week

"I'm enjoying being at Arsenal, it's great to be in a side which plays such an attractive game."
Big Willy Gallas embraces subtlety.

The lay man:

There are exchange customers lining up to back Watford at 13/8. In the immortal words of Sammy Jackson, 'It's our duty, to snatch that booty'.

Weekend Betting:

Bolton v Liverpool Saturday 30th September 12:45 Live on Sky

Bolton 3/1
Draw 9/4
Liverpool 11/10

Get on: Bolton

Match Special:
Kevin Nolan to score at any time 9/2

Charlton v Arsenal Saturday 30th September 15:00

Charlton 11/2
Draw 13/5
Arsenal 4/7

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:
Thierry Henry to score a hat-trick 18/1

Chelsea v Aston Villa Saturday 30th September 15:00

Chelsea 3/10
Draw 4/1
Aston Villa 11/1

Get on: Aston Villa

Match Special:
Angel to score the only goal of the game 135/1

Everton v Man City Saturday 30th September 15:00

Everton 5/6
Draw 12/5
Man City 7/2

Get on: Everton

Match Special:
Everton to score a penalty 5/1

Sheff Utd v Middlesbrough Saturday 30th September 17:15 Live on Premiership Plus

Sheff Utd 13/8
Draw 9/4
Middlesbrough 13/8

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Boateng to be booked 11/8

West Ham v Reading Sunday 1st October 14:00

West Ham Evs
Draw 9/4
Reading 3/1

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Match to finish 1-1 11/2

Blackburn v Wigan Sunday 1st October 15:00

Blackburn Evs
Draw 9/4
Wigan 3/1

Get on: Blackburn

Match Special:
Blackburn to win and keep a clean sheet 2/1

Man Utd v Newcastle Sunday 1st October 15:00

Man Utd 4/11
Draw 7/2
Newcastle 10/1

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:
Louis Saha to score the first goal 7/2

Tottenham v Portsmouth Sunday 1st October 16:00 Live on Sky

Tottenham 10/11
Draw 12/5
Portsmouth 3/1

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Tottenham to score a goal 1/4

Watford v Fulham Monday 2nd October 20:00 Live on Sky

Watford 6/4
Draw 11/5
Fulham 2/1

Get on: Fulham

Match Special:
Fulham to score three or more goals 11/2

The Bedding Zinger by Gerry McDonnell

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