A Bung, Bung, Bungalow in Baghdad by Gerry McDonnell

I'm not the type of man who makes disparaging comments about a person's individual beliefs, but anyone who visits a psychic should be institutionalised. The wife is a prime example, when I questioned why she regularly throws her money away on such an obvious scam, she screamed, "It's not a con, Zelda doesn't even charge, she just asks for a voluntary £10 contribution." If she was any slower she'd stop.

I'm a huge cynic of all things 'supernatural', although I have to admit to being slightly nervous when I received a videotape that was accompanied with a warning: 'Watch this, and within 7 days you will die'. It turned out it was an entire episode of Soccer AM, and boredom related deaths were a genuine possibility.

There are a few people like the wife who believe that Arsenal's new home is cursed. Even if the Emirates stadium was built on an Indian burial ground, with a tribe of Indians actually visiting at the time, there's only one possible result when Sheff U roll into town. Back the Gunners at a spooky 1/5.

If anyone should be charging for psychic visions, it's Roy 'I see dead people' Keane. The former United hard-man announced before the Arsenal match that Rooney had done nothing in the game; Wayne's performance placed an exclamation mark at the end of his sentence. The tubster will be looking to regain his form when United travel to the Madejski stadium to face Reading; Man U will win at a knee-shattering 8/15.

Steve Coppell famously completed an economics degree while playing for United; a hugely impressive feat, most modern day footballers can't count to 21 without thinking of Maria Sharapova. (I get to 20 Â½.) Even the numerically gifted Reading manager could have a problem keeping score, United are a worth a nibble at 5/1 to score four or more goals.

Jose Mourinho's decision to play Ballack, Lampard, Essien and Makelele in the Chelsea midfield has even upset the wife, I overheard her on the phone to her mother complaining about a serious lack of width. Ballack's suspension for marching over Sissoko may be a blessing in disguise for Chelsea, I fancy the Champions at 4/9 to leave Fulham with three points.

After claiming the press were wrong to criticise Lampard, Mourinho then stripped him of his penalty taking duties. The last time a Lamp was rubbed up the wrong way in a similar fashion was when I had a small part in Aladdin. We'd both had a few. With Ballack out of the frame, Lampard is a 6/1 shot to score from the penalty spot.

You can't fancy Tottenham to leave Liverpool with anything but a beating. Spurs have only scored in one league match this season, yet Popeye look-alike Martin Jol refuses to start goal-getter extraordinaire Jermain Defoe. Tottenham haven't won a Premiership match at Anfield since '93, a bet on Spurs to reverse that trend would be the costliest mistake since Chris Tarrant offered a school teacher a 4th lifeline. If Tottenham win this, i'll give up betting and move to Iraq; the Pool are the weekend nap at 4/6.

It's a bit of a lottery for first goal scorer bettors, but the answer my friend, is blowing in the wind: Kuyt is a tasty 5/1 shot.

Blackburn played Boro three times last season, and won them all. (Two of those were at the Riverside.) Be warned though, much like with women, previous results should not be used as a reliable indicator for future prospects. I'm happy to make an exception with Blackburn at a huge 5/2.

McCarthy looks the call in the first goalscorer market. At the age of 29, you could say that Benny's at a crossroads in his career; you'll get a decent run for your money at 8/1.

Glenn Roeder had to apologise to West Ham fans this week, and surprisingly, it wasn't for relegating their team of superstars. Everton have conceded 18 goals on their last 6 visits to St James' Park; another Newcastle win appeals at 5/4.

I feel a little bit sorry for Harry Redknapp, he's been the subject of more enquiries than the 118-118 guys, but it hasn't affected Pompey's start to the season. Bolton have left Fratton Park with a point on their last two visits, another draw should be backed at 9/4.

It's confession time; I've backed the USA to regain the Ryder Cup. I'm not a great fan of the Yanks as a rule; their national sport is rounders, they call British Bulldogs 'football', and most annoyingly of all, their sportsmen have a tendency to thank Jesus 37 times whenever they put a ball in a hole or run 100 yards without falling over.

For all their faults, it's an undisputable fact that American golfers are superior to European golfers. Europe are favourites for the Ryder Cup thanks to recent history; but if school has taught us anything, it's that history is unimportant. The USA are still available at 11/8; that's the actual definition of value.

The acc of the week:

The accer this week is so indisputable; Ian Paisley, Gerry Adams, George Galloway and George Bush are considering uniting to voice their support. Liverpool, Aston Villa, Chelsea, Blackburn and Man Utd are the chosen five, the payout is an eye-catching 20/1.

The quote of the week

"To be 13 points behind United after 4 games would have been a disaster."
Lee Dixon shows off on MOTD2.

The lay man:

If you can't score, you can't win. The exchanges were invented so we could lay Tottenham at 5/1.

Weekend Betting:

Liverpool v Tottenham Saturday 23rd September 12.45 Live on Sky

Liverpool 4/6
Draw 13/5
Tottenham 9/2

Get on: Liverpool

Match Special:
Liverpool to keep a clean sheet 6/5

Arsenal v Sheff Utd Saturday 23rd September 15.00

Arsenal 1/5
Draw 5/1
Sheff Utd 16/1

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:
Fabregas to score at any time 10/3

Aston Villa v Charlton Saturday 23rd September 15.00

Aston Villa 4/5
Draw 5/2
Charlton 4/1

Get on: Aston Villa

Match Special:
Aston Villa to win 2-0 7/1

Fulham v Chelsea Saturday 23rd September 15.00

Fulham 15/2
Draw 10/3
Chelsea 4/9

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:
John Terry to score with a header 8/1

Man City v West Ham Saturday 23rd September 15.00

Man City 5/4
Draw 9/4
West Ham 21/10

Get on: West Ham

Match Special:
West Ham to score three or more goals 13/2

Middlesbrough v Blackburn Saturday 23rd September 15.00

Middlesbrough 11/10
Draw 9/4
Blackburn 5/2

Get on: Blackburn

Match Special:
McCarthy to score the only goal of the game 50/1

Wigan v Watford Saturday 23rd September 15.00

Wigan 10/11
Draw 23/10
Watford 7/2

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
No goalscorer in the game 8/1

Reading v Man Utd Saturday 23rd September 17.15 Live on Premiership Plus

Reading 6/1
Draw 11/4
Man Utd 8/15

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:
Rooney to score two or more goals 9/2

Newcastle v Everton Sunday 24th September 16.00 Live on Sky

Newcastle 5/4
Draw 9/4
Everton 9/4

Get on: Newcastle

Match Special:
Martins to score the first goal 13/2

Portsmouth v Bolton Monday 25th September 20.00 Live on Sky

Portsmouth Evs
Draw 9/4
Bolton 3/1

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Match to finish 1-1 11/2

The Ryder Cup Friday 22nd - Sunday 24th September Live on Sky

Europe 8/11
Tie 11/1
USA 11/8

Get on: USA

Special:
Phil Mickelson to be the USA's top scorer 13/2

A Bung, Bung, Bungalow in Baghdad by Gerry McDonnell

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