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A Drog with two ricks by Gerry McDonnell

Occasionally, a person can become so synonymous with a certain action that the English language will evolve as a result. For example, if the sight of anything Portuguese sends you into a psychotic rage, you're 'doing a Rooney', if your alcoholic wife beats you up due to unresolved rage issues, she's 'knocked out a Gerry', and if you pay six times over the correct market value for a mediocre footballer, you've 'pulled a Fergie'.

We've all been had in the net on the odd occasion, but Fergie has bought more turkeys than Sainsbury's in recent years. Michael Carrick is the latest addition to a list that includes Kleberson, Forlan, Veron and my personal favourite, the Djemba brothers. After blowing an incredible £18.6m on the talented but ultimately limited midfielder, Sir Alex has once again been tucked up like a sleeping baby.

Fulham can continue the theme of stitching up the purple-nosed one. Rooney's a fitness doubt for the Old Trafford opener; after reading his autobiography, it comes as no surprise that he's struggling with a groin injury. Fulham scored twice against Man U in both of their meetings last season, 12/1 about a shock is just too big.

If Martin Jol has finished laughing, he'll take his Tottenham team to a tricky match at the Reebok. Jol has bought and sold exceptionally well in the summer, with Berbatov and Zokora being standout additions to the squad. Zokora believes he can be the 'Vieira of the Lane'; expect him to be completely outplayed by Fabregas when they meet Arsenal. Tottenham are a decent team, but they always struggle against Bolton (they've lost six of their last seven league matches); I can't see past the draw at 9/4.

The Liverpool players will be pleased to hear that Neil Warnock is banned from the touchline when they visit Bramall Lane, although this may not stop Warnock from launching threatening paper aeroplanes from the stand. Liverpool's reserves saw off a full strength Chelsea last week, their first team receive the nap of the week award at a healthy 4/7.

Wigan manager Paul Jewell is a jovial character, but something tells me he won't be smiling after his team take a mullering at St James' Park. Wigan faced Newcastle on three occasions last season, the team playing at home won every match. Dull, but true. Wigan have Heskey, Newcastle have the points in the bag at 8/11.

Everton must be backed at 8/13 at home to new boys Watford. The partnership of Beattie and Johnson looks promising; Beattie can win the flick-ons to allow AJ to go down to 'earn' the penalty. Watford have visited Goodison Park on nine previous occasions, they've lost every time.

Gareth Southgate has been busy in the transfer market, the signing of Julio Arca for less than £2m looks an inspired piece of business. Reading are nicknamed the Royals, and like their German counterparts in Buckingham Palace, they'll remain pointless on Saturday night. I do like the Boro at 9/5.

The Villa fans are a lot like me, happiness can be gained from just one little Yank. The Villa have lost at Highbury for the last eight years, it's a good job this one is being played at the Emirates, they're unbeaten there. There's a momentum behind the Villa thanks to the takeover (I was a Randy Lerner once) and the arrival of Martin 'The Saviour' O'Neill; it would be folly to invest in the Gunners at 3/10. A red card in the match is on offer at 7/2; Graeme Poll is 'officiating', so you're 50% less likely to collect.

Michael Ballack was substituted after 25 minutes in the Community Shield, I know what it's like to finish prematurely, it's no picnic. Four of the previous six matches between Chelsea and Man City have finished 1-0, with Drogba almost certain to squander a couple of chances; a repeat of the 1-0 scoreline at 6/1 looks a decent wager. If Ballack and Shevchenko both start, I'd rather be on a 2-0 stroll for the Champions at a healthy 11/2.

Last week's accer hit both posts and the bar before being cleared off the line, this week's will fly straight in the top corner. Liverpool, Everton, Newcastle, Middlesbrough and Chelsea are the chosen ones, the accer will pay out at 14/1 when successful.

The weekend specials:

"Tim'll fix it" - Cahill to score with a header 11/2
"Young a tart" - Luke Young to be booked for diving 16/1
"A bitter Lehmann" - Aston Villa to score a goal Evs
"Duff'll bag" - Damien Duff to score two or more goals 9/1

The quote of the week:

"What I'm looking for is flexibility."
Steve McClaren knows the score.

The probably misheard quote of the week:

"I'm internally grateful to Steve McClaren."
Dean Ashton desperately wanted that cap.

The lay man:

You've got to love the betting exchanges. People are lining up to back Arsenal at 1/3; if you 'lay' that bet, you're effectively backing either the draw or a Villa win at 3/1. Happy, happy days.

Weekend Betting:

Sheff Utd v Liverpool Saturday 19th August 12.45 Live on Sky

Sheff Utd 6/1
Draw 14/5
Liverpool 4/7

Arsenal v Aston Villa Saturday 19th August 15.00

Arsenal 3/10
Draw 7/2
Aston Villa 12/1

Everton v Watford Saturday 19th August 15.00

Everton 8/13
Draw 5/2
Watford 5/1

Newcastle v Wigan Saturday 19th August 15.00

Newcastle 8/11
Draw 5/2
Wigan 4/1

Portsmouth v Blackburn Saturday 19th August 15.00

Portsmouth 6/4
Draw 9/4
Blackburn 21/10

Reading v Middlesbrough Saturday 19th August 15.00

Reading 6/4
Draw 9/4
Middlesbrough 9/5

West Ham v Charlton Saturday 19th August 15.00

West Ham 11/10
Draw 9/4
Charlton 3/1

Bolton v Tottenham Saturday 19th August 17.15 Live on Premiership Plus

Bolton 17/10
Draw 9/4
Tottenham 17/10

Man Utd v Fulham Sunday 20th August 13.30 Live on Premiership Plus

Man Utd 3/10
Draw 9/2
Fulham 12/1

Chelsea v Man City Sunday 20th August 16.00 Live on Sky

Chelsea 1/4
Draw 9/2
Man City 12/1


Previous Articles From Gerry McDonnell

» Weekend Tips / A Lazy 'Worst Of' Compilation
» Thai Hard: With a Vengeance
» I've just about had an oeuf
» There Ste Goes Again
» Red Bull - It Gives You Wins
» Lock Stock and Two Smoking Carols
» My Big Fat Weak Wedding
» A Mini Weapon of Mass Destruction
» There's life in the old dog...unfortunately
» Hairy Plotter and the Half-Blood Prince
» As One Door Shuts...A Nutter One Opens
» A Dodgy Ruby and a Stuffed Nan
» Strawberry Fields For Heather
» Wayne drops keep falling on my head
» The hurly bird catches the worm
» Driving Miss Dozy
» Rings that go bump in the night
» Rise of the foot long soldier
» Let's all do the Bart Man
» Obi 1 Hand Solo 0
» Charity, Empathy and Chas to Tea
» Bow Down To Happy Gilmore
» Third Ruck from the Son
» Short and fat, with a Terry on the top
» It's Wayne in Cats and Dogs
» On the third day... Heroes again
» The Wright to remain silent
» This is the ode to Hel
» Lies, Damn Lies and Jamie Redknapp
» Cole, Frank Incensed and Meh
» One flu over...the cuckoo's next
» A Naan and a Leg
» The Chicken or the Meg
» Sven, I'm 6 to 4
» Two Wongs Don't Make Awight
» The Catcher in the Guy
» Girls Allowed? It's Encouraged
» Ding Dong, Merry Lee on High
» Why fight the hand that kneads you?
» Live Free or Pie Hard
» It's not if, it's Sven
» A Ruck and a Charred Plaice
» Hate Days are Weak
» A Small Murphy's...Maybe
» A Chick with a Pick
» We have to stop the Blubber Ring
» I've got my Bouncer down to a Tea
» Should Have Gone To Becks, Save Us
» You Do Thumb Thing To Me
» My French is just Shocking
» 64 Seconds in Paris
» McCaffrey's Gone Flat
» A Little Wayne Never Hurt Anyone
» The Heir on the Dog
» An Expired Pizza to Enter Jordan
» Beer Today Scone Tomorrow
» FA tell McClaren to FO
» That Lam Chop was Delightful
» He's in the Nic
» Lettuce get it on
» The bra has been raised
» The fruit is on the other foot
» Swing When You're Tinning
» A Primate of Fear
» In Thickness and in Elf
» I saw her limping there
» Pie Will Survive
» A Pizza The American Dream
» Playing with one's health
» Heifery Thing Must Go
» A Spanish Beer Mug
» All I want for Christmas is Ewe
» Ex-Panda Bull
» Gone in 64 seconds
» Back to the Fuhrer
» I'm a celebrity, get me oat
» I pity the Newell
» Arsene! Coffee!
» Razor Nigh Brow
» Flappy Girth Day To Roo
» Balloon out of all proportion
» The 'No Bell' Peace Prize
» Where are you now... when I kneed you
» The Bedding Zinger
» A Bung, Bung, Bungalow in Baghdad
» It ain't over 'til the fat laddie swings
» Sore Berries and Cream
» The bitterest pillow
» A Ferd in the hand is worth two on the box
» A Drog with two ricks
» A tie, with a Lam starter
» The Thin Blue Swine, an antepost special
» There's a bad moo on the rise
» Pie, have you forsaken me?
» A rest Wayne in order
» An Aggravated Ribery
» Bat's the way I like it, Aha Aha
» Don't fry for me, Argentina
» Don't you, forget about Lee
» Amir formality for the King
» Marlon, Hammer Reds and Pool Wails
» A nappy ending
» Only tools and horses
» She's got one hand in my pocket
» The pair of the Drog
» Cesc, Drogs and Rock and Roll
» Dairy goes again
» Cruising for a Bruce-ing
» It's a war for four, send in the Gunners
» Jose, can you see? (The star-mangled spanner)
» Smudge not, lest ye be Smudged
» The Jewell of Denial
» Give the Neville his due
» Rob 'n Peter to slay Paul
» The Gram of God
» Whale Meat Again?
» Up a creek, without a Kanu


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