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There's a bad moo on the rise by Gerry McDonnell

To be a successful bettor, you have to understand probability. If you toss a coin in the air there's a 50% chance that it will come down on heads, throw a dice in the air and there's a 16.6% chance that it will land on a 6, throw a cat in the air and there's a 100% chance that it will be a right good laugh.

But occasionally, even if you're an expert in the field of probability theory, with an encyclopedic knowledge of football and the greatest staking plan since 'The Bride of Dracula', you can still do your proverbials if poor value teams like Italy keep on winning.

Amazingly, the Italians are a short as 4/6 to lift the World Cup, and that's the most ridiculous investment since the wife had the cheek to pay for beauty products. The French have the necessary tools to lift the trophy; at odds of 11/10, stat nerds, value hunters and football anoraks will all be eating cheese, snails and various frog appendages, in a show of solidarity for our French brothers.

To say that the Italians have had the luck of the draw throughout the competition is like saying that John Motson is annoying; it's so obvious that clarification is not just fluous, it's superfluous. The French are good things to wrap the game up in 90 minutes at 23/10. Correct score bettors need look no further than a 2-0 scoreline at 14/1, but perming 1-0 and 2-0 together at 7/2 is a little bit safer/camper.

You can sum up the difference between the teams in two words, 'Thierry Henry'. The Gallic genius is the most complete player in the tournament, although the Spanish would probably call him a complete tart. Henry missed the final in '98 even though he was their top scorer at the time; if patience is a virtue, then Henry is on the path to righteousness. It's time for King Henry to ascend to the throne; it's 6/1 that he bags the opener.

The Golden Shoe may sound like an item that one of the WAG's would buy, but it's actually the award for the competition's top scorer. (Personally, I don't allow the wife to go shopping for anything other than cleaning materials, but I'm far more flexible with the girlfriend.) Thierry Henry needs two more goals to potentially grab a share of the coveted award (the wife will also be receiving a shoe on Sunday); Henry is a 13/2 shot to net two or more goals.

If all the rumours are true, Juventus players just have to turn up to win matches in Italy, which might explain Paddy Vieira's indifferent season. It's great to see Vieira look back to his thundering best, another commanding performance from the resurgent Vieira will see the French ease to victory. Man of the match betting is available, I've seen worse 10/1 shots that the mighty Patrick Vieira.

The Italians have constantly surprised me throughout the competition. Their transformation from an over-hyped collection of show-ponies to an over-hyped, lucky collection of show-ponies has bordered on the extraordinary. The same accusation has often been thrown at Zinedine Zidane, but the reality is that Zizou remains the definition of greatness. A bet on the sublime Zidane for the 'man of the tournament' award (The Golden Ball) at 1/2 is money for old rope.

Luca Toni had a massive reputation for his Serie A goal scoring exploits, but looks to be suffering from a serious case of Lamparditis, he couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo. On a related note, I once tried to hit a cow's arse with a banjo, at least that's what I told the police officer, although the lack of the banjo aroused some suspicion. Toni will not score, the French have a clean sheet in Le Bag, help yourself to 6/4.

Franck Ribery may look like something that Dr Frankenstein knocked up after a heavy night on the ale, but it's not physical looks that make the footballer (otherwise I'd have 150 caps under my belt), pace, skill and grace are the key attributes and Ribery has all three in abundance. The youngster has improved from game to game and the 9/2 on offer for Ribery to score at any time should attract support.

Whoever wins, I'll be walking in to the bookies with a big smile, asking if they'll pay me out on Argentina, as they're the moral winners of the competition. Although, there is a valuable lesson to be learned here; sometimes in life, it's not the winning that's important, it's the taking apart the betting shop if they refuse to pay.

Weekend Betting:

Italy v France Sunday 9th July 19.00

Italy 13/8
Draw 15/8
France 23/10

Get on: France

Match Specials:

"Top Totti" - Totti to score with a header 10/1
"Two Tone" - Luca Toni to score two or more goals 7/1
"Gattu blaster" - Gattuso to score from outside the area 20/1
"Caught on Camora" - Camoranesi to be sent off 33/1
"Gross misconduct" - Grosso to be booked 2/1

"Zid vicious" - Zidane to be booked 5/2
"Daylight Ribery" - Franck Ribery to score two or more goals 16/1
"De Gaulle of him" - Henry to be booked for diving 12/1
"Franck Butcher" - Ribery to be sent off 33/1
"Pat Butcher" - Vieira to be sent off 16/1


Previous Articles From Gerry McDonnell

» Weekend Tips / A Lazy 'Worst Of' Compilation
» Thai Hard: With a Vengeance
» I've just about had an oeuf
» There Ste Goes Again
» Red Bull - It Gives You Wins
» Lock Stock and Two Smoking Carols
» My Big Fat Weak Wedding
» A Mini Weapon of Mass Destruction
» There's life in the old dog...unfortunately
» Hairy Plotter and the Half-Blood Prince
» As One Door Shuts...A Nutter One Opens
» A Dodgy Ruby and a Stuffed Nan
» Strawberry Fields For Heather
» Wayne drops keep falling on my head
» The hurly bird catches the worm
» Driving Miss Dozy
» Rings that go bump in the night
» Rise of the foot long soldier
» Let's all do the Bart Man
» Obi 1 Hand Solo 0
» Charity, Empathy and Chas to Tea
» Bow Down To Happy Gilmore
» Third Ruck from the Son
» Short and fat, with a Terry on the top
» It's Wayne in Cats and Dogs
» On the third day... Heroes again
» The Wright to remain silent
» This is the ode to Hel
» Lies, Damn Lies and Jamie Redknapp
» Cole, Frank Incensed and Meh
» One flu over...the cuckoo's next
» A Naan and a Leg
» The Chicken or the Meg
» Sven, I'm 6 to 4
» Two Wongs Don't Make Awight
» The Catcher in the Guy
» Girls Allowed? It's Encouraged
» Ding Dong, Merry Lee on High
» Why fight the hand that kneads you?
» Live Free or Pie Hard
» It's not if, it's Sven
» A Ruck and a Charred Plaice
» Hate Days are Weak
» A Small Murphy's...Maybe
» A Chick with a Pick
» We have to stop the Blubber Ring
» I've got my Bouncer down to a Tea
» Should Have Gone To Becks, Save Us
» You Do Thumb Thing To Me
» My French is just Shocking
» 64 Seconds in Paris
» McCaffrey's Gone Flat
» A Little Wayne Never Hurt Anyone
» The Heir on the Dog
» An Expired Pizza to Enter Jordan
» Beer Today Scone Tomorrow
» FA tell McClaren to FO
» That Lam Chop was Delightful
» He's in the Nic
» Lettuce get it on
» The bra has been raised
» The fruit is on the other foot
» Swing When You're Tinning
» A Primate of Fear
» In Thickness and in Elf
» I saw her limping there
» Pie Will Survive
» A Pizza The American Dream
» Playing with one's health
» Heifery Thing Must Go
» A Spanish Beer Mug
» All I want for Christmas is Ewe
» Ex-Panda Bull
» Gone in 64 seconds
» Back to the Fuhrer
» I'm a celebrity, get me oat
» I pity the Newell
» Arsene! Coffee!
» Razor Nigh Brow
» Flappy Girth Day To Roo
» Balloon out of all proportion
» The 'No Bell' Peace Prize
» Where are you now... when I kneed you
» The Bedding Zinger
» A Bung, Bung, Bungalow in Baghdad
» It ain't over 'til the fat laddie swings
» Sore Berries and Cream
» The bitterest pillow
» A Ferd in the hand is worth two on the box
» A Drog with two ricks
» A tie, with a Lam starter
» The Thin Blue Swine, an antepost special
» There's a bad moo on the rise
» Pie, have you forsaken me?
» A rest Wayne in order
» An Aggravated Ribery
» Bat's the way I like it, Aha Aha
» Don't fry for me, Argentina
» Don't you, forget about Lee
» Amir formality for the King
» Marlon, Hammer Reds and Pool Wails
» A nappy ending
» Only tools and horses
» She's got one hand in my pocket
» The pair of the Drog
» Cesc, Drogs and Rock and Roll
» Dairy goes again
» Cruising for a Bruce-ing
» It's a war for four, send in the Gunners
» Jose, can you see? (The star-mangled spanner)
» Smudge not, lest ye be Smudged
» The Jewell of Denial
» Give the Neville his due
» Rob 'n Peter to slay Paul
» The Gram of God
» Whale Meat Again?
» Up a creek, without a Kanu


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