Don't you, forget about Lee by Gerry McDonnell

I am not an unsympathetic person. When the wife enquired if she'd recently added a little weight, I compassionately replied, "No, you've always been quite fat." However, when it comes to the tribulations of Stan Collymore and Paul Merson, my sympathy is in short supply. Admittedly, I'm not a qualified medical expert, but a fondness for lager is a trait that should be encouraged, gambling large sums of money is undoubtedly more of a pleasure than a chore, while a case of depression could easily be cured by simply cheering up a little. I, on the other hand, have a genuine problem; my name is Gerry, and I watch Big Brother.

I'm at a loss to explain why such a stigma is attached to watching a television programme; but like Rosa Parks before me, I intend to blaze a trail to help end the ongoing victimisation of Big Brother viewers. The key to tolerance is an understanding of the subject; the following facts will not only allow you to welcome BB watchers back into the bosom of a united society, but to also show a healthy profit from the bookmakers.

At this early stage, I'd be looking to back Mikey. His audition tapes did make him appear to be something of a chauvinist, (I have no time for this outdated 'women should be in the kitchen' nonsense, what about the bathroom? it doesn't clean itself.) but his good looks and pleasant banter make the 17/1 on offer at Betfair quite tempting.

Novelty act Pete is currently all the rage, people are trying to back him on the exchanges at a ridiculously short 6/4. If you 'lay' this bet, you're effectively betting that any of the 12 other housemates, or any of the four other contestants that are due in to the house will win at 4/6. Pete may well be a huge Simple Minds fan, but the fact that he's always referring to Jim Kerr's brother (Juan) is really beginning to grate. Laying the 6/4 may well be the best investment in the history of gambling.

If a sport is televised, and I can bet on it, then I'll watch it. There is one exception to that rule, and that's Formula 1. I can watch the beginning of the race until the cars round the first corner with genuine enthusiasm; unfortunately, after this point it becomes duller than a monologue from the old man about how everything was better in the old days, or hanging, or whatever it is he babbles on about.

Being a genuine innovator, I've suggested that as the 1st lap draws to a close, the drivers then line up again from their new positions, and start all over again. Repeat this 20 times and you have a sure-fire ratings winner. I actually emailed this suggestion to the vertically challenged Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone; I fear it went straight over his head.

Fernando Alonso already has one hand on the drivers championship, take the 13/8 on offer from Ladbrokes about a Spanish stroll through the streets of Monaco.

If the thought of betting on reality TV or street racing does not appeal, there's still a couple of football matches to take an interest in. The penultimate game of the season will see Swansea battle Barnsley for a place in the Championship and the Swans receive a confident nod at 6/4 to win in 90 minutes. Lee Trundle has played a starring role in recent years, but if the Swansea management can find a reinforced bench, there's every chance that the Scouse superstar will be named as a substitute. Leon Knight has been preferred to Trundle in recent weeks and has banged in five goals in three games, it'll be a cracking Knight for us all if we get on Leon at 6/1 to bag the opener.

Grimsby face Cheltenham in Sunday's league 2 finale as we wave a tearful goodbye to the domestic football season. Grimsby have been boosted by the news that top goalscorer Gary Jones can play after a successful appeal against a red card, he's worth a nibble at 6/4 to score at anytime. The Mariners have dominated the Robins in the regular season, winning both games convincingly without conceding. Grimsby are worth a bet at 10/11 to win promotion; unfortunately, you can't back them to plaice. Apologies.

Don't you, forget about Lee by Gerry McDonnell

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