Hairy Plotter and the Half-Blood Prince by Gerry McDonnell

Like Martin Luther King and Gandhi, I'm a fan of passive resistance; but there are some things in life that we have to fight for. For me, it's a baby's smile, the love of a mute woman or more affordable prices at the petrol pump.

It's to my deep and lasting regret that a serious injury prevented me from joining the military. I've been plagued with recurring back pain since childhood - it's never easy growing up in Jersey.

Fortunately for the army, Prince Harry was able to stand up and fight for possible Grandmother and Country. His willingness to get his hands dirty shows real character; he's stuck two fingers up to those who question Germany's poor war record. Fulham's recent record is at an equally unhealthy level; they've only one won of their last eighteen battles. Blackburn will take no prisoners at 11/20.

Now that the Rambo-like tax-dodger has returned from single-handedly destroying the Taliban, he'll be looking for an alternative career. Steve Coppell is apparently showing an interest; he appreciates a useless ginger hitman. I'll fire a few rounds off if Reading sneak a win over Manchester City at 6/4.

Radio chat shows are really scraping the barrel for material. One recent topic up for debate was 'Why do West Ham fans dislike Frank Lampard'. I wasted 25 minutes trying to get through, and I only wanted to say four words. I'll be equally succinct in describing the 4/5 for a Tottenham win over West Ham: nap of the week.

Michael Owen may have been written off more than Angus Loughran's debts, but he remains a top-drawer operator. Newcastle are available at 10/1 against a Liverpool side with one eye on the Champions League; I'm ashamed to say that I'm on the verge of being priced in.

Cesc Fabregas returned to his incomparable best in midweek against Milan. I can't foresee any scenario where Wigan will be able to stop him, shy of hitting him over the head with a guitar or dropping a grand piano on him; but even then he'd remain instrumental. Arsenal just have to turn up to win at 8/13.

Tim Cahill has been castigated for using a goal celebration to show solidarity with his imprisoned brother. I find the criticism over-the-top, it's not like he bent over and touched his toes - even I would be offended by the 'Barton shuffle'. I'll hit the dancefloor when Everton beat Sunderland at 5/4.

The FA Cup reaches the quarter-final stage this weekend, allowing either West Brom or Bristol Rovers the opportunity to make an unexpected trip to Wembley. Personally, I hope it's the Albion fans who get to see the bright lights of London, as they consider a trip to Birmingham something of a cultural treat. The Baggies are a fair bet at 6/5.

I hope Sir Alex Ferguson has calmed down after Arsenal's last-gasp leveller against Aston Villa last week. “It was the 95th minute of their usual seven minutes of injury time,” whined the Scot, before launching a furious tirade at the blackness of a nearby kettle. United fans will be steaming when they knock Pompey out of the Cup at 4/11.

The FA should hang their collective hands in shame after overturning Frank Lampard's red card against West Ham. I can only assume that they were frightened of Lampard demanding a personal hearing, which would have led to astronomical catering overheads. I'll happily tuck in to the 4/11 for a Chelsea win over Barnsley.

It appears that Lampard was let off on a technicality - he plays for one of the big four. Jeremie Aliadiere represents Middlesbrough, so he was given a four match ban for replicating the actions of a Liverpool player - he regularly underperformed in the league. Boro will still have enough to ease past Cardiff at 7/10.

Last week's accer never really got off the ground, but even Shakespeare made the occasional spelling mistake. I'm far more confident with this week's selections. Reading, Everton, Tottenham and Arsenal form a 14/1 accer of such noble virtue, even Prince Harry would happily go to war to protect it - if there was a camera crew in the vicinity.

Hairy Plotter and the Half-Blood Prince by Gerry McDonnell

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