Wayne drops keep falling on my head by Gerry McDonnell

I am no stranger to a lazy stereotype. I'm half-Irish and I'm married to a Scot, so some people believe we stay at home all day smoking crack and peeling potatoes; which is only half true.

It could be worse though, I could be bald. Britney Spears was considered a wholesome entertainer when she had flowing locks; but the moment she showed solidarity with the follicly challenged, the authorities took her children away.

It's not just tubby Americans who persecute the hairless. When Andy Johnson had a little decoration on his head, he was awarded penalties and his goals were allowed to stand; now he's shunned like Lewis Hamilton on a weekend trip to Majorca.

Personally I think it's a case of raging gingerism, as baldness is their only legitimate hope of a life free or mockery. I'll make a stand against these peladophobic gingerphobes by supporting AJ's Everton at 4/7 against a struggling Reading.

Ryan Babel is another player who deserves our sympathy. Rafa perplexingly continues to bench the flying Dutchman: the only way he'll be promoted to a starter is if he bumps into Frank Lampard. Chelsea will devour the struggling Reds at a mouthwatering 11/10.

Harry Redknapp has hit the jackpot with the signing of Jermain Defoe. The Pompey manager is just like King Midas - it's believed that the King's son was a real nause. I'll be droning on endlessly about the 9/4 for a draw between Bolton and Portsmouth.

Derby were a lot less successful with their attempts at January shopping. Paul Jewell signed Laurent Robert on a free transfer; I think he overpaid. Tottenham are the weekend banker at 8/13 against the awful Rams.

Birmingham were dealt a knockout blow by a player named Villa last week, so it was a typical Derby match. It's just one win in eleven matches now for the Blues; West Ham look a great shout at 17/20 to increase the pressure on the Big Eck.

Premier League attendances now average 36,000 a match, which is a 50 year high. The figure would have threatened the 40,000 mark, if it wasn't for Middlesbrough. One man and his dog will see Boro destroy Fulham at 10/11.

Roy Keane will be looking forward to reuniting with Steve Bruce, as they haven't seen each other since filming Cinderella. I'll turn into a pumpkin if Sunderland fail to oblige against Wigan at 23/20.

The loss of Agbonlahor will be a massive blow for Aston Villa. Gabby has aggravated a hamstring - he accidentally knocked his pint over. The return of Young will soften the blow for the Villans; the tactically shrewd Martin O'Neill will bamboozle Kevin Keegan's Toon Army at 10/11.

A hamstring injury has also ruled the influential Tomas Rosicky out of Arsenal's match against Blackburn. Rosicky is known as 'little Mozart', due to his ability to orchestrate the midfield. Personally, I'm a big fan of Chopin: I often buy a big bag of potatoes. I can definitely handle the 4/11 for an Arsenal win over Blackburn.

After a protracted saga, Manchester City have finally signed Benjani, and I can claim with little fear of contradiction that Pompey's loss is Manchester City's loss. An Elano-less, Benjani-full City will almost certainly lose out to Manchester United at 1/3.

Wayne Rooney will miss the Manchester derby after receiving a booking for hurling his considerable weight to the ground last week in an alleged act of simulation. Rooney would never cheat, so I can only conclude that the referee cautioned him for his ginger stubble and an increasingly receding hairline. Aston Villa, Tottenham, Everton, Middlesbrough and West Ham form not only an outstanding 16/1 accer; it's also a symbol of hope for our continually oppressed pool-ball headed brothers.

Wayne drops keep falling on my head by Gerry McDonnell

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