The hurly bird catches the worm by Gerry McDonnell

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that fidelity remains the cornerstone of a successful relationship. I would never cheat on my wife, unless the opportunity arose.

I have serious doubts over my wife's respect for monogamy. The word on the street is that Ashley Cole was physically sick while performing the horizontal 64-second jig, which fits in perfectly with the wife's M.O.

I can't condemn Cole too strongly, as he's not the first man to hurl after munching on a late-night kebab. On reflection, he probably should have stuck with a sausage sandwich. A Chelsea draw against Pompey ticks all the right boxes at 5/2, and then cleans them with disinfectant.

It's been reported that Ashley refused to wrap up his little heat-seeking missile before sending him into battle. Apart from the obvious risk of pieces falling off, there is also the danger of an unwanted pregnancy. If I didn't regularly suffocate my mini whale-hunter, I could have had three children by now. Fulham are also lackadaisical in defence, they're on a 14 match winless streak. Aston Villa will take full advantage at 7/5.

Adebayor is a quality player, but you can't solve a problem by planting your nut on it; we haven't all moved to Scotland. I can't get my head around the 10/11 for an Arsenal win over Manchester City.

Liverpool need a new slogan to commemorate their status as the European Capital of Culture. I've suggested, 'Liverpool - Making fat kids cry since 2008'. I'll be inconsolable if the Reds beat Sunderland, I've been tempted by the 4/1 for a draw.

With Liverpool stuttering like Jeremy Beadle's manicurist, a 4th place finish is unexpectedly up for grabs. I expect Blackburn v Everton to be tighter than Mido's belt as the war for four intensifies. I'm sitting on the fence at 9/4.

Dave Kitson is in line for a shock call up to the England side. The Reading hitman will be overjoyed if he earns his first cap, as sunlight is a long-term foe. I've seen the light; I've backed Reading at 6/5 at home to Bolton.

Cheryl Cole has followed Danielle Lloyd's lead in refusing to dump her allegedly unfaithful partner. What is it that makes these strong women stand by their men? I'll get my hands on lots of money when Manchester United beat Tottenham at even money.

Now that Barack Obama has revealed himself to be a Hammer, Dave Whelan must be regretting his campaign to relegate West Ham towards the end of last season. Whelan may be able to fix the price of an England shirt, but he's going to lose a power battle with potentially the next leader of Iran. The Hammers have a 100% record at the JJB in the Premier League; Barack and I will be on at 9/5.

If Derby were to avoid relegation, it would be the greatest shock since I arrived home from work early to find the wife in a degrading position; she was lying on the floor watching Beadle's About. I'll be even more disappointed if Birmingham fail to beat Derby at 4/7.

It was a case of déjà vu for Kevin Keegan as Newcastle lost 3-0 to Arsenal in midweek; a few lads hit him on the head with a baseball bat. It's definitely wrong to kick someone when they're down, unless you're Alan Shearer. Newcastle isn't big enough for Keegan and Big Al, so God knows how Frank Lampard ever played there. 10/11 is plenty big enough for a Newcastle win over Middlesbrough.

Like Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard has allegedly had a wandering eye. I can see why Lampard would have suitors, who amongst us doesn't like a large pair of breasts? Arsenal, Birmingham, Manchester United and Aston Villa form an accer that stands out at a particularly pert 11/1.

The hurly bird catches the worm by Gerry McDonnell

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