Short and fat, with a Terry on the top by Gerry McDonnell

Sigmund Freud was nothing but a hairy quack. My cantankerous nature is not the result of a repressed Oedipus complex; I only feel hostility towards my father because he's really annoying.

Before senility kicked in, the old fellow would try in vain to act cool around my friends. I genuinely sympathise with anyone who has had to endure a similar ordeal; so naturally I have plenty of time for Shaun Wright-Phillips.

I must defend Shaun after allegations that he left a female guest in tears at his recent birthday bash. It's been reported that the young lady broke down when Wright-Phillips allegedly snatched her camera. All she had to do was hold it up in the air.

I can't be as forgiving in regard to the disgraceful behaviour of John Terry. I have no problem with the England captain publicly urinating in a cup; but hitting the dance floor remains a strict social faux pas for any self-respecting male.

Frank Lampard was on his best behaviour at the party, as he's completely focused on his personal grudge match against West Ham. I guess it's true about an elephant never forgetting. I've emailed myself a reminder to get on Chelsea at 1/3.

Email has definitely made my daily life more efficient, but it really annoys me when I receive about 40 emails a day asking me to buy Viagra. On reflection, I should never have shared my email address with the wife. Paul Jewell will definitely struggle to keep Derby up: I'm hitting the 7/10 for a Sunderland win over the Rams.

It's been a great week for the Birmingham City board. The Blues could easily afford to pay the Scottish FA £1m in compensation for Alex McLeish, as they had already received £3m from Wigan for Steve Bruce. I just hope they bought Dave Whelan breakfast after hammering out that deal. I'm filling up on the colossal 1/2 for a Tottenham win over the fortunate Brummies.

Stephen Hunt was up to his old tricks last week. I haven't seen such a disappointing tackle since pictures of John Terry's cup-trick circulated on the internet. We can all go out on the lash when the overpriced Middlesbrough scythe through a mediocre Reading at 16/5.

Has there ever been a more annoying person than Jamie Redknapp? I normally abhor violence, but if I ever met his old man; I'd have to give him a backhander. I'm putting my hands up to backing Pompey at 5/4 against Everton.

I was stunned to read that Rafa Benitez is on the verge of losing his job. I asked a Liverpool supporter friend, Rob Smith, for his opinion. "We can only win cups under Rafa, he claimed, and then we have to go to the trouble of keeping them away from John Terry." I refuse to hide away from the 1/3 for a Liverpool win over Bolton.

A comical misunderstanding had led to the FA charging Sir Alex Ferguson with using foul and abusive language to an official. Fergie told Mark Clattenburg that he hoped to fight off competition for Yakubu's signature when the transfer window reopens in January: which explains the use of the phrase 'Yak hunt'. Manchester United have scored 20 goals in their last four matches against Fulham; the 1/5 for a United win can only be interpreted as an absolute banker.

The usual suspects have been quick to condemn supporters who choose to boo the England players who let their country down, but I believe the fans' reaction was perfectly justified. I do hope the Manchester City supporters lay off Emile Heskey though; as he was never really an England player. The 9/4 for a draw between Wigan and Manchester City deserves a rapturous welcome.

Arsene Wenger compared managing England to putting your head in the mouth of a crocodile. That's definitely a bad move unless you've got a miniscule head, like John Terry. Arsenal are unbeaten at Villa Park on their last eight meets; there's nothing diminutive about the even money for another victory for the all conquering Gunners.

I have nothing but admiration for Sam Allardyce after he asked the FA to rule him out of contention for the England post. I've followed Sam's lead, and have asked Natasha Kaplinsky to rule me out of any potential boyfriend position she may have. I will be getting on the 10/11 for a Blackburn win over Newcastle.

I did feel sorry for Big Sam when I heard Newcastle fans chant "You don't know what you're doing." These supporters regularly take off their shirts in the middle of winter: tactics may not be their strong point. Backing Blackburn, Sunderland, Arsenal, Liverpool, Tottenham and Manchester United in a 13/1 accer is a manoeuvre that even the shivering Geordies can warm to.

Short and fat, with a Terry on the top by Gerry McDonnell

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